Tuesday, October 12, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 30

It's taken me way longer than 30 days, but I committed to this project and was hell-bent on seeing it through. Over the course of it, I've realized a lot about myself. Some of the prompts I found lack-luster. Others hit home. I'm ready to write my final day but I will carry aspects of "facing the truth" with me going forward...

Day 30  A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself. 

I've had a rough day today. An emotionally "present" day is probably a bit more descriptive. But I guess it's the perfect opening for this topic. In one of my early posts on this blog I came to the realization that I'm not very emotionally expressive. It's very hard for me to be vulnerable and express the tornado of emotions that is almost always circling inside me. I'm not comfortable with it at all. And yet, I know I need to be more honest about my emotions. Today I love that I'm embracing that challenge. For better or for worse I'm telling people how I feel. I'm expressing my love, my pain, my longing, my insecurity, and my pride. I'm laying it all on the line and facing the repercussions head on.

While I still have so many areas in which I hope to grow, I do love myself. Here are a few of the reasons...

I love that I'm willing to be self-searching and face my flaws. I love that I can accept that I'm not even close to perfect, but still strive to improve. I love that I feel alive both when I'm happy and when I'm hurting. I love that even when I drifted from it, I never let go of my faith. And I love that no matter how much time has past or how many wrong decisions I have made, I am finally reconnecting with my spiritual beliefs. I love that regardless of growing up to soon, I'm a big kid at heart. I love my wit. I love that I care deeply about others. I love that I'm still a hopeful romantic. I love that I'm comfortable enough with myself to take risks that I wouldn't have taken 5 years ago. I love that I have surrounded myself with people I love & respect who love & respect me as well. I love my sense of adventure. I love my desperate need to learn. I love that I believe in 2nd chances... and that I'm working on learning where to draw the line when enough chances have been given. I love that I embrace my silliness. I love my creativity. I love that I am a strong, capable woman. I love that I define family not by blood, but by the commitments people make to each other and adhere to. I love the way I am (and the way I  treat someone) when I'm in love. I love the sound of my giggle when I'm truly happy and being myself without any inhibitions. I love my intelligence and my willingness to admit when I don't know something. I love my loyalty & dedication to those I care about. I love my spontaneity. I love that I am a writer. I love that I not only say "trials make you stronger and build character" but that I live it in my approach to life. I love my I truly value myself. I love that I really believe I am a good person at heart. I love my determination. I love my motherly tendencies. I love that I try my best to accept myself and others. I love my willingness to try to understand other perspectives. I love that even though I'm not 100% happy with my physical appearance, I still know that I'm sexy. I love that I'm outgoing and willing to get to know others. I love that I will seize opportunities and not let chances pass me by. I love that I'm generous. I love that I'm learning how to rely on others. I love that most of the time, I'm patient. I love that children will always be incredibly important to me. I love that I'm not ashamed of who I am, where I've come from, or what mistakes I've made.

I love that I love myself.

Monday, October 4, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 28 & 29

So I'm bound and determined to finish out #30DaysOfTruth.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

I've said it here repeatedly. I want to be a mother. Now granted, I'd prefer not to be a single mother (which is why I haven't had a child yet), but if I were to become pregnant for whatever reason, I would have the child. I know that at this point in my life I am equipped to raise a child. And thankfully, I know I have a wonderful assortment of family and friends that would be an amazing support group and "village" to help me raise my little one.

I know it would be scary and stressful. And tough. And exhausting. And overwhelming. And I also know it would be beautiful and amazing. And warm and loving. And utterly fulfilling. And the culmination of so many things for which my soul has been longing.

I hope that when I have a child it is the result of a loving relationship. I hope that the pregnancy (whether planned or not) is a blessing for all those involved. However, I am willing to accept that if that isn't the case, I will embrace the child and the pregnancy whole-heartedly myself because no matter the situation, a child would be a blessing for me.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I need to waiver less after making a decision. I don't necessarily need to be more decisive (while I can be very indecisive about inconsequential decisions, I am very good at making the crucial ones). My problem comes after the decision is made. I'm the type of person who can almost always see things from both sides. I'm also incredibly logical and yet still very much intuitively & emotionally-driven. And I absolutely hate being unjust. So even though I know I've made the right decision based on the facts so far, if there is even a hint that something might change in the future to effect the decision, I start to waffle and waiver.

Mostly, this becomes a problem in my decisions that involve people. I know that for the most part, people follow patterns. Their actions one time will generally be their actions the next. And logically and emotionally, I can make a decision based on that. However, once some time passes doubt starts to slip in for me. "Can't people change?" "What if I wasn't seeing the whole picture?" "Would I want someone to make a decision about me without gathering even more info than they already have (no matter how much that is)?" 

I need to trust myself more and remember I made the choices & decisions for a reason. I need to embrace my instincts. I need to have faith in the balance of logic & emotion that I used to derive at my conclusions. I need to stand by them. I need to not let self-doubt undermine me. I need to realize that it's okay to make a decision based on my experiences. I need to accept that the best decision for me might not always consider all of the "what if"s. I need to come to terms with the fact that even if someone changes or a circumstance changes, that does not negate or eradicate the foundations on which I made my decision originally.