Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I Fell...

Falling. It's what this blog is all about. Tripping, stumbling through life and love.  Well I fell for The Name...and then fell flat on my face. After the move things really began to unravel between me and The Name. I tried to fight, I tried to salvage it. I even put my own needs aside for awhile hoping I could show him that I was IN. But apparently, and for whatever reason, he was never in. Two months ago it was done. Today I saw this and it hit a nerve inside of me.   

I let my guard down with him. I'll readily admit, part of me wanted to fall - to go tumbling into his arms. And I have no doubts in my mind that he wanted me to fall too. In so many ways he did everything possible to sweep me off my feet...and so I fell...but he wasn't there to catch me. He wasn't there at all.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


For the majority of my dating life, I've been the girl who has my guard up. I have trust issues and letting a guy into my heart is a very big deal to me. A few years ago I started to make a conscious effort to take some of my walls down. Jack Daniels was the first recipient of that, The Name has been the second.

I've been falling for The Name for awhile now. For the first time in my life I'm expressing my emotions honestly and openly. He's less of a communicator but when I'm with him i feel like he shows me. But the problem is, with his job and now the move, I don't see him very often. I feel lost because I'm not getting the chance to see how he feels. I keep throwing my emotions out there and while he definitely doesn't reject them, I feel like they just float in this abyss. I'm vulnerable with him and it's new and scary for me. And it's difficult that he does not reinforce security for me in the way I'm accustomed to. I love him. And at times i can see such potential for us. And yet I'm scared that us being apart isn't going to give me enough connection and reassurance. I'm scared to admit this, but I'm not sure if he wants what I want or can give me the emotional support I need.

I know he cares about me, but once again I'm scared that it's not enough. That I'm not enough. We need to talk. And I'm hopeful we can resolve this, but I'm also terrified. I need to be enough for him to fight for. I need to be worth him becoming vulnerable and going outside his comfort zone too. I need my feelings to matter to him enough that he wants to reassure me. Am I enough?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Other Coast

The east coast...most likely, NYC. I never thought I'd say this, but that might be in my future.

I've never been to the east coast. It's been on my travel list for years. But I didn't expect to be thinking about it like this.

This afternoon I got a text from my boyfriend, The Name. Some very unexpected changes came up today at work. Changes that will likely throw his whole life upside down. Changes that might include having to relocate to the east coast. Neither of us know what it means yet. There's so many things that aren't certain - so many details we don't know. Is he moving? If so, where? and when? And what does that mean for us?

I can't even begin to think about it yet. He needs more info first to figure out his part and than we can figure out us. It's just so weird for me to wrap my mind around that there is an us that this effects.

The last time I wrote in this blog, we'd just broken up. It was awful and I was torn up for 2 months. Then he got some info that changed everything he had thought. And after a crazy chain of events*, we had to determine if we could put it behind us, if I could forgive him, if we could move on. We did. And since then we've been stronger than ever.

I'm falling.

And now a wrench just got thrown into our happy relationship that could land him on the other coast. Will he go? Will we try and make this long distance and fly coast to coast to make it work? Would I consider turning my life upside down too?

My mind is spinning and yet still at the same time. I know we can't make any decisions until we have more info.

And so we wait....

My first reaction was that my knees buckled at the thought of losing him. But since then the shock has worn off and I'm realizing that I don't think I'm going to lose him. He turned to me as soon as it happened because it effects us both. And I believe in my heart that we'll get through this...TOGETHER. And that makes me feel more safe and at ease than I've ever been.

*i'll write a post later