Bucket List

Some of the things I want to accomplish in my lifetime:

- Pet a cow (accomplished)

- Graduate from college, B.A. (accomplished)

- Take a trip to Europe (accomplished)

- Get married to my soul mate

- Be a mother

- Learn to play guitar... so I can play for my children

- Hike Half Dome

- Spend a month abroad

- Write a novel

- Sit on the banks of Lake Lucerne again and write

- Own a home

- Skydive

- Visit Italy, Greece and Egypt
- Teach a child to read

- Hike once a week (spring and summer) for a year

- Start my own catering business

- Spend a week completely by myself (alone with my thoughts)
- Read Les Misérables (I've seen the musical 3 times but never read the book)
- Speak Italian with an old married couple
- Write a collection of stories for my children to read to their children
- Pay for someone (besides myself) to go to college
 
I know there's a bunch more I will add to this, but I wanted to at least get a few things up and posted.

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

For me, there are quite possibly a zillion answers to this question. I love life. I love experiencing life. So if I'm not constantly out trying something, doing something new, and wondering, "How the heck did I get here?" well, then something is seriously wrong. Awhile back I started a post that was going to be my virtual "Bucket List" here on this blog (sadly it's still sitting in my drafts but now I'm motivated again). I planned to post it so I can always have a place to come to add stuff, and well, to check stuff off. I can promise you, it'll end up being a LONG list.

However, for the purposes of this post. I'm just going to focus on one - the one that means the most to me. I hope to be the best mother I can possibly be. I honestly don't feel like my life would be complete, if I don't get the opportunity to raise a child - my child (biologically or adopted).

Although I'm not technically a mother, I have had a major hand in raising my sister. We have a relationship that is about 50% sisterly and 50% mother-daughter. It's been both a strange blend and a huge blessing for me. The moment that meant the most to me in my life so far, concerns her. About a year ago, she was sick and I was taking care of her. She turned to me and said, "You are a great mom." She didn't say, "You will be a great mom," or "Your kids will have a great mom". She said "You are a great mom." She brought tears to my eyes. The thing is, as motherly as I've been to her, I can't take anything away from our actual mother. My mom is the one who set the example for me of love, acceptance, sacrifice, compassion...and so much more. While I'm not her mother, my sister was right. I know deep down that I'm already a mother. It's a part of my personality. It's a part of my actions. It's a part of my soul. Yet my biggest hope is that I have the opportunity to express that part of myself in raising my children. I hope (and pray) that I get to foster their uniqueness individually, accept them unconditionally, teach them patiently, guide them with integrity, and love them eternally.

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Breathe. Just Breathe.

Why are these prompts so hard? I spent quite a bit of time today with my head running in circles about what I'd choose for tonight's post. At first I felt I knew what I was going to write about (my Dad). I know if it were up to him, he'd be the subject of this post. But for some reason even though I know I eventually need to write about him, the forgiveness aspect just didn't fit. As I was sprawled out on my couch trying to survive the heat, it hit me.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I need to forgive my brothers. I'm not quite sure how to do it, but I do.

Like all families, mine had it's problems. There was a few years of my childhood that were like one of those Lifetime movies - abuse, alcoholism/drugs, and a man so obsessed with my mother he would have gladly hurt anyone in his path to get to her. You know the deal, right? Those movies didn't come from nowhere. Each family has it's own dark spots that you could make a movie about.

Yet it's not those years I'm writing about. When we came out of those darkest of dark years, my family was broken. You see, the the first 6 years of my life were almost like a storybook...or at least a show on ABC Family (happily married parents with 4 blissful children living in a Christian home). Then there was 4 years of pure hell on earth. When we got to the other side of it, my mom was a shell of the woman she once was. She was clinically depressed, addicted to drugs & alcohol, and completely unable to function. My dad, he'd already bailed. He couldn't handle it. So we were left with 4 kids struggling to survive. My brothers were 17 and 16. I was 10. My little sister was 8.

For a year or so we did our best to get by, to try and salvage our family but it was a mess. When my oldest brother got close to 18, he left. He didn't even stick around until his 18th birthday...he just left. And as soon as the younger of the two turned 18, he split too. And for a few years, they didn't look back. I was left at 12 years old trying to hold together a family that was in shambles. My mom was not only addicted to drugs, she'd become a dealer. Despite doing so in an unorthodox way, she did her best to provide for and protect my little sister & me. She'd set up systems with people to meet our needs. A pizza man would come by to bring us food in exchange for drugs. A cab driver took us to school so he could get his stash free. A guy delivered us sandwiches a few times a week for a free sack of weed. Everything else, I handled. At 12, I tried my best to be the parent I knew she couldn't be, but that both my sister and I desperately needed.

I'm sure you're probably wondering why this isn't about my mom, but I've long since forgiven her. A year later, we moved from So Cal to Nor Cal so we could try and start fresh. My mom got into AA & NA and tried to get herself clean. The next few years were still really rough while she learned to function again (stay clean, get a job, pay rent on time). We were frequently homeless - we lived on couches of other recovering addicts or stayed in seedy motels for 3 weeks a month (because that's as long as we could afford) and then spent the last week of the month living in our car until mom would get paid again. We showered at friend's houses or cleaned up in the bathrooms of the places she'd go to AA meetings. Through it all my mom fought to keep improving and try and rebuild our life. I've forgiven her because despite all the craziness she put us through, she fought her way back. In September she will have been clean and sober for 20 years and she spends every day trying to make her amends for the wrongs she's done.

Back to my brothers. I resent my brothers for leaving. Despite knowing their little sisters were alone in this situation, they took off. Brothers who had I'd always thought would be there to protect me. Starting at 12 years old I had the strength to stand up and try and help my little sister and my mom navigate the craziness that was our lives. I made sure my little sister went to school, that my mom ate, that we were all kept as safe as possible even though we were surrounded by shady characters. Yet my brothers were both technically adults when they left. For years I've struggled to understand how an "adult" could just leave two children (and little girls at that) in such a dangerous situation. We were their little sisters and they didn't even look back. They didn't check on us to see if we were okay. Nothing.

I need to forgive them. It's taken me a long time, but I know they were broken too and doing the best they could to survive. I know they left to protect themselves because they didn't know how to handle the situation. I know they didn't have the same maternal instinct that I had. However, I still resent them for leaving because I wouldn't have done the same even if I had the option. I resent knowing that as adults now, if their children were in the situation my sister and I were in, they'd do anything they could to protect them yet they didn't protect us. I know they love us but it hurts. I'm trying to let go of the pain and abandonment I felt. I'm trying to accept that although they were 18, they were children too.

I'm beginning to forgive...but I'm not fully there yet. I know that someday I'll be able to really forgive them and truly let go of resentment. I pray that day comes soon.

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

So it's about to get hard. This post has been on my mind since I found out about this challenge. I knew there would be a few prompts that would be hard for me. I have a feeling, this will be one of them.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I've made mistakes. I've made many mistakes. For the most part, I've accepted my flaws but tried to work on them. I think I've been fairly forgiving with myself overall. Yet there's one situation where I'm afraid I might struggle with forgiveness for the rest of my life.

I fell in love with a married man.

To understand the gravity of this for me, you need to know I value marriage and it's commitment almost more than anything in the world. I think the only thing I place above it would be motherhood. I want both so badly that I can feel the aching in my body every single day...yet that longing isn't just for marriage, it is for marriage with the right person.*  I long to build a life and a family together.
 
But back to the confession at hand...

Since I value marriage so highly, I don't know how to forgive myself for having feelings for someone who is committed to someone else. I fell in love with him before he was married. And once he got married I tried to forget him, to move on. [At first I typed "I tried my hardest to forget him" but I had to erase it because this is 30 Days of Truth and that's simply not the truth. I did try and forget him, but part of my heart never let go and part of it didn't want to. I'm ashamed of that.] But I didn't really move on. I dated other people, I went through the motions, but he was there in the background of my heart. Eventually I let him back into my life as an acquaintance, and before I knew it, it was more than that.
While I never acted on those emotions physically (not so much as a kiss), I was emotionally involved with him. I know it's not right.

I can't forgive myself for this yet, because my emotions for him (although now even more mixed with anger, confusion, disappointment, etc.) are still there. I hate that there is a part of me who hurts that he didn't choose me - before he got married... and honestly, even after.

Someday I will need to forgive myself for having loved a married man. I'll need to forgive myself for having been involved in and impacted someone's marriage. Even without being physically involved, I have to accept that my relationship with him had to have hurt her. I need to acknowledge that my actions in some ways damaged their marriage. (I am not by any means negating his actions, nor am I naive enough to think that if it weren't me, it wouldn't have been someone else. I am simply trying to focus on and own my part in the situation). While I swore I'd never "get involved"** with him while he was still with her, I have to face that my mere presence and interaction with him had me more involved than I should have been. I am no longer involved with him. For now that's all I can do. Someday, I'll forgive myself...

*I've been tempted with the prospect of marriage before. I've even gotten engaged. But I couldn't do it because in my soul I knew it wasn't right.
** Date him or be involved in any form of physical relationship

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Hmmm... Where to begin? I think I'm very fortunate that all my life my mother has instilled in me a love that is indescribable. Regardless of her faults (and yes, there are many), she never let me doubt my value and always taught me to cherish my individuality and love myself despite my flaws (there are many of those too!). There are a million little things that I've learned to love about myself - My sense of compassion. My intellect. My love of nature. My motherly instinct even though I have no children of my own yet. My freckles (that I used to detest). My ability to help others understand things that seem hard to them at first. The way my eyes squint when I laugh or smile. My desire to seize each moment in life. My fascination with words and writing. My endless need to learn. My tiny hands. My quick wit. That when I open my heart and love someone, I love him/her completely and without judgment.

But if I were to choose one thing about myself to focus on for this task it would be my resiliency. Like most, I've had my share of hardships and disappointments. Life has never been easy. But I've never seen that as a burden. I've always viewed it as a part of the adventure. I don't understand people who feel life is out to get them; that somehow they deserve an easy path. They miss the beauty in the challenges. They deny the opportunity to grow. They don't embrace the feeling of exhilaration that is a part of overcoming something difficult. For me each challenge offers the moment of knowing I'm stronger than anything that comes my way - That even if it breaks me down to my knees for awhile and leaves me writhing in pain, I will stand up again. Perhaps it's that I'm stubborn or that I have an over developed sense of determination, but I don't think I'd be happy on a path that was flat and simple. I love that I know that God has instilled in me a resiliency that will get me through whatever trials I'm handed in life so long as I hold on to my faith, determination, and those I love.

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

So I recently saw a post on Twitter regarding #30daysoftruth. It's a meme that challenges you to answer some questions with complete honesty.* It intrigued me and I've been dying to start my first post. It's taken me a few days because of some hiccups in life, but I am committed to doing it.

I'll also admit that before I started the challenge I was determined to finish a few posts that I started a long time ago and that needed to just be done and posted for me to move on and write honestly from where I am in life now. I've almost completed them (and will as soon as I finish this post), but I wanted to get this one done today.**

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I try very hard not to hate myself at all. I've spent way too many years being overly critical of myself. I hold myself to standards that are impossible to meet and I'm aware of this. I can be my own worst judge. I'm trying to be more accepting of myself so this question is very difficult for me but I'm going to be honest throughout this process so that I can grow.

If I had to say something I honestly hate about myself it would be that I don't take enough care of myself. I pride myself on taking care of others, being aware of their needs, and doing my best to always be a good friend, partner, sister, daughter, etc. Unfortunately, I don't always treat myself with the same care and respect I give to others. I deny my own needs. I'm not sure exactly why I do this, but I do. Perhaps I feel like acknowledging my own needs makes me weak? I'm not quite sure. I don't feel other people are weak for having needs, but I feel vulnerable having my own. I'm consciously trying to work on this.

The interesting thing about the whole thing is that it isn't that I don't value myself. I have a good sense of self-confidence. I know I am valuable and that I deserve to be treated well, respected, acknowledged, loved, etc. I don't allow other people to treat me with disrespect. I just tend to get so caught up in taking care of others, that I put myself last on the list. I don't make time for doing things to care for myself. I know I need to become more aware of my own needs and make them a priority in my life. If I'm not willing to acknowledge and value my needs, it makes it harder for other people to value my needs. I'm hoping that in diving into the truth over the next 30 days that I can unearth some of the things I need to address in my life to make myself a stronger, healthier woman.

* Here's the link to the full 30 Days of Truth instructions
**That being said, you may discover a few posts showing up with dates in the past in the next day or so because I'm finally posting a few that have been sitting in my drafts.

The Call

The floor just dropped out from under me. I'm really falling. It happened. I knew it might...but it happened. She's pregnant.