I'm having trouble walking the line with Jack Daniels. I'm so torn. He says all the right things. He makes my heart leap. He does the little things. But he's still down there. And he's married. I'm trying to give him time to figure it out but every day that passes I get more scared and more attached. I have made it incredibly clear that I will not get involved with him while he's still married and that I don't want to be the reason he leaves anything. He needs to decide for himself if that marriage can work or not regardless of me. Nevertheless, I do feel I need to be honest with him regarding what I'm thinking and feeling. I would hate for a decisions on any of our futures to be made based on assumptions or misunderstandings. I think that's what's most fair for all of us. I respect marriage so much which is why I'm so torn. I don't know how to navigate this. I'm terrified of feeling all of this for him again. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I'm trying my best to stay as detached as possible until I see the actions.
One of my friends has been my savior in all of this. She's trying to help me keep my feet on the ground and navigate this impossible situation while keeping my integrity. It's so hard to try and figure out what's "right".
Friday, February 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Confessions & Kryptonite
It's time for some confessions... I may have once again fallen prey to my kryptonite.
Confession #1
About 6 months ago I started talking to Jack Daniels again.
After months of trying to avoid him, we finally had an email exchange in which I said I wasn't ready to have him in my life again, but I'd be willing to try and see who the "real" him is. Part of me needed to see if I could ever understand his actions from before. He said he was willing to try and earn back my friendship and trust. We'd been friends since we were kids and had so many mutual friends in common. It would be impossible for us to not cross paths throughout our life. My friends all warned me against it, but I needed to see for myself. He backed up his words and his actions proved he was trying his best to help me understand and build back a foundation he'd shaken to the core. Over the next few months we had some deep talks about how we ended up where we did, about both of our perspectives in our relationship the year before. I asked him why he chose to marry his wife. The answer wasn't romantic, it was practical, but it was honest.
Confession #2
There's always been a chemistry between us that I can't deny.
For the first few months I remained very guarded in our conversations. I wasn't interested in going back to where we were before. I just needed to understand. But ever since we were kids, flirtation between us has always just come very naturally. It's unconscious. For the first few months I was so guarded I was consciously able to avoid it, but as we continued to talk, you could feel it below the surface.
Confession #3
We've had "the talk".
Last week Jack Daniels' flirtation started to seep out in our conversations and I called him on it. I told him he was blurring the line between friendship and that I couldn't go back to where we were. He was married and he'd made his choice. He confessed to me that he thought he'd made the wrong one. His feelings for me had never gone away. He'd married her because she was safe, he knew she'd never leave him unless he fucked up royally. She was a partner more than anything. But he was drawn to me in a way he couldn't explain and he was tired of fighting it. He wanted me to know everything so we could make some decisions. He told me he'd had feelings for me since high school. That those reignited for him at the reunion but he didn't act on them because of the distance. He regretted that. That when things started developing with us before he tried to convince himself she was the safer choice since he'd invested so much time in her. But after nearly a year of marriage he still had feelings for me and that he knew they wouldn't go away. He needed to know how I felt... I told him he'd crushed me because I had felt so much for him. That those feelings hadn't gone away but that I was scared. He needed to make a choice before we could be anything.
Confession #4
He's my kryptonite.
I know I shouldn't even consider him again. He hurt me more deeply than any man ever has. And yet if I'm being honest, I am considering it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm weak when it comes to him. I feel more than I can put into words. If I heard some other girl saying this I'd tell her to run as fast as she can in the other direction. I'd tell her that he doesn't deserve her. But I feel like there's always been something between us that feels destined to be something. I don't know what it is. I'm trying so hard to proceed with caution, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have hope that we could make this work. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm confused. Could he really be the one for me? Could we possibly make it through all these obstacles and bad decisions to find happiness together?
Confession #1
About 6 months ago I started talking to Jack Daniels again.
After months of trying to avoid him, we finally had an email exchange in which I said I wasn't ready to have him in my life again, but I'd be willing to try and see who the "real" him is. Part of me needed to see if I could ever understand his actions from before. He said he was willing to try and earn back my friendship and trust. We'd been friends since we were kids and had so many mutual friends in common. It would be impossible for us to not cross paths throughout our life. My friends all warned me against it, but I needed to see for myself. He backed up his words and his actions proved he was trying his best to help me understand and build back a foundation he'd shaken to the core. Over the next few months we had some deep talks about how we ended up where we did, about both of our perspectives in our relationship the year before. I asked him why he chose to marry his wife. The answer wasn't romantic, it was practical, but it was honest.
Confession #2
There's always been a chemistry between us that I can't deny.
For the first few months I remained very guarded in our conversations. I wasn't interested in going back to where we were before. I just needed to understand. But ever since we were kids, flirtation between us has always just come very naturally. It's unconscious. For the first few months I was so guarded I was consciously able to avoid it, but as we continued to talk, you could feel it below the surface.
Confession #3
We've had "the talk".
Last week Jack Daniels' flirtation started to seep out in our conversations and I called him on it. I told him he was blurring the line between friendship and that I couldn't go back to where we were. He was married and he'd made his choice. He confessed to me that he thought he'd made the wrong one. His feelings for me had never gone away. He'd married her because she was safe, he knew she'd never leave him unless he fucked up royally. She was a partner more than anything. But he was drawn to me in a way he couldn't explain and he was tired of fighting it. He wanted me to know everything so we could make some decisions. He told me he'd had feelings for me since high school. That those reignited for him at the reunion but he didn't act on them because of the distance. He regretted that. That when things started developing with us before he tried to convince himself she was the safer choice since he'd invested so much time in her. But after nearly a year of marriage he still had feelings for me and that he knew they wouldn't go away. He needed to know how I felt... I told him he'd crushed me because I had felt so much for him. That those feelings hadn't gone away but that I was scared. He needed to make a choice before we could be anything.
Confession #4
He's my kryptonite.
I know I shouldn't even consider him again. He hurt me more deeply than any man ever has. And yet if I'm being honest, I am considering it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm weak when it comes to him. I feel more than I can put into words. If I heard some other girl saying this I'd tell her to run as fast as she can in the other direction. I'd tell her that he doesn't deserve her. But I feel like there's always been something between us that feels destined to be something. I don't know what it is. I'm trying so hard to proceed with caution, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have hope that we could make this work. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm confused. Could he really be the one for me? Could we possibly make it through all these obstacles and bad decisions to find happiness together?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Gemini Musings and Such
I've been meaning to post recently, but haven't had a chance. There's much to catch up on.
I'll do a full update soon, but here's a mini one on today's topic - Mr. Biz (work-a-holic, single father raising a 14 year old).
That's literally it word-for-word. Ugh!
I'll do a full update soon, but here's a mini one on today's topic - Mr. Biz (work-a-holic, single father raising a 14 year old).
- If you haven't read it yet, see previous post.
- Many talks involving how I need more effort/time from him.
- After 4 1/2 months of casually dating Mr. Biz, I stopped seeing him in late July because it was a bit too casual for me. He just didn't have enough time for me and I'm not willing to settle anymore. He's a great guy and I told him if something changes in the future and he is ready to pursue something more serious, I might give it a try but I can't keep doing this. Official red light.
- One week later, he calls/texts, misses me, wants to see me, etc. What's changed? Nothing. I don't see him.
- Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat, etc. Same thing for weeks. He says we want the same things but it's work keeping us apart. Swears he's trying to do things to get work under control and get things in a better place for us. I tell him we can talk but until changes are in place, I can't see him. WTF is the light doing?
- Thursday he calls me, we have a long talk. He says he needs balance in his life. He can't keep this work thing up, he needs time with those who are important to him. He realizes it. He's talked to his boss, he's doing everything in his power to change it. Hopefully he'll see the changes soon and can share them with me. I'm skeptical/hopeful/tired.
The mixed messages become even more complicated today as green lights are immediately followed by flashing red ones. You don't know which signal to believe as you decide whether to blast ahead with confidence or to retreat in fear. Ultimately, your best chance of success comes from moving ahead with caution.
That's literally it word-for-word. Ugh!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Story of Jack Daniels
So I've been avoiding this post, but to understand me and my story, I'll have to introduce you to Jack Daniels.
In October 2008, Jack Daniels broke my heart. For years I'd kept my heart protected; locked behind barriers and walls. Finally, I'd started to let someone in...and he crushed me.
Jack Daniels was a high school friend - a guy I'd never dated, but had always wondered why I didn't. We were never super close back then, but were part of a larger friend group. And there had always been something... a connection unexplored. After high school we lost touch. It wasn't until our 10 year reunion that we once again became a part of each others' lives. I felt it all over again...something drawing me to him. But sadly, I didn't act upon it. Instead we started to slowly reconnect. We emailed regularly, hung out with friends when he was in town, and talked - just really talked. He wasn't living in the area so we'd mostly email. We'd both dated other people. Slowly it grew to be more regular, talking almost everyday. Something was happening between us. We both realized there was a connection we couldn't deny. At the time, I was single...he'd been dating a woman for about 2 years. He told me his relationship wasn't going well but he was seeing if there was anything to salvage it - he said he felt he needed to give it his best effort so he would know he tried everything before moving on. I respected that, told him I'd tread lightly, and asked him to just be honest with me through things. It all went wrong.
In the next few months he told me how much he thought about me, how he wanted to be with me, and I really believed that they were ending. He was exactly what I'd wanted - he was engaging in my life, helping me through the daily challenges, waking me up with messages of "I can't stop thinking of you, beautiful", and ending my day with "I hope you dream of the day we can fall asleep together every night". It felt so right. Growing up he had been one of the most honest, trustworthy people I'd known. No one had a bad word to say about him. So I trusted. I believed what I wanted to believe. I believed he was torn between going after what he wanted (me) and knowing that he'd hurt her. He'd always cared so much about protecting others from pain. I was wrong.
One morning last October, I woke up to find his engagement pictures plastered all over a social networking site. A site where we were "friends". I was crushed. I spent weeks crying. I'd believed in our future. I asked for an explanation. He swore that he was a coward and he didn't know how to tell me. He said he was torn because he truly cared about me but felt he had to do this. He tried to spin it to save himself - he knew he'd screwed up, been selfish, and hurt me. I didn't understand. I felt naive, confused, used & broken.
I walked away, erased him from my life, and tried to move on. But I was weakened by my encounter with him. I'd never felt so intensely for someone before - not even my ex-fiance. How could I feel so deeply for someone and be so wrong?
*There will be other back story posts on Jack Daniels because I'm sure other aspects will be relevant to my continued story.
In October 2008, Jack Daniels broke my heart. For years I'd kept my heart protected; locked behind barriers and walls. Finally, I'd started to let someone in...and he crushed me.
Jack Daniels was a high school friend - a guy I'd never dated, but had always wondered why I didn't. We were never super close back then, but were part of a larger friend group. And there had always been something... a connection unexplored. After high school we lost touch. It wasn't until our 10 year reunion that we once again became a part of each others' lives. I felt it all over again...something drawing me to him. But sadly, I didn't act upon it. Instead we started to slowly reconnect. We emailed regularly, hung out with friends when he was in town, and talked - just really talked. He wasn't living in the area so we'd mostly email. We'd both dated other people. Slowly it grew to be more regular, talking almost everyday. Something was happening between us. We both realized there was a connection we couldn't deny. At the time, I was single...he'd been dating a woman for about 2 years. He told me his relationship wasn't going well but he was seeing if there was anything to salvage it - he said he felt he needed to give it his best effort so he would know he tried everything before moving on. I respected that, told him I'd tread lightly, and asked him to just be honest with me through things. It all went wrong.
In the next few months he told me how much he thought about me, how he wanted to be with me, and I really believed that they were ending. He was exactly what I'd wanted - he was engaging in my life, helping me through the daily challenges, waking me up with messages of "I can't stop thinking of you, beautiful", and ending my day with "I hope you dream of the day we can fall asleep together every night". It felt so right. Growing up he had been one of the most honest, trustworthy people I'd known. No one had a bad word to say about him. So I trusted. I believed what I wanted to believe. I believed he was torn between going after what he wanted (me) and knowing that he'd hurt her. He'd always cared so much about protecting others from pain. I was wrong.
One morning last October, I woke up to find his engagement pictures plastered all over a social networking site. A site where we were "friends". I was crushed. I spent weeks crying. I'd believed in our future. I asked for an explanation. He swore that he was a coward and he didn't know how to tell me. He said he was torn because he truly cared about me but felt he had to do this. He tried to spin it to save himself - he knew he'd screwed up, been selfish, and hurt me. I didn't understand. I felt naive, confused, used & broken.
I walked away, erased him from my life, and tried to move on. But I was weakened by my encounter with him. I'd never felt so intensely for someone before - not even my ex-fiance. How could I feel so deeply for someone and be so wrong?
*There will be other back story posts on Jack Daniels because I'm sure other aspects will be relevant to my continued story.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Can I Get Some YELLOW, Please?
I feel like lately my heart has been stuck in a game of red light, green light.
Proceed with caution - that's always been my mantra. In relationships, I've been the queen of moving slow. It's incredibly hard for me to let someone in and so I've pretty much always been the one to set the pace of a relationship. I guess you can say my love life traffic light was always stuck on yellow.
I'm quite confident that has hindered many of my relationships (or potential relationships)*. Over the past year and a half I've actively tried to stop this pattern. I realize that when it comes to love, sometimes you need to actually "Go". So I've been trying to just take things as they come and let the pace of them happen on it's own. I've been marginally successful.
Proceed with caution - that's always been my mantra. In relationships, I've been the queen of moving slow. It's incredibly hard for me to let someone in and so I've pretty much always been the one to set the pace of a relationship. I guess you can say my love life traffic light was always stuck on yellow.
I'm quite confident that has hindered many of my relationships (or potential relationships)*. Over the past year and a half I've actively tried to stop this pattern. I realize that when it comes to love, sometimes you need to actually "Go". So I've been trying to just take things as they come and let the pace of them happen on it's own. I've been marginally successful.
About 4 months ago, I met a new guy - Mr. Biz. Unfortunately, he has had the challenge of having come into my life not long after I got really hurt by another guy who I'll call Jack Daniels.** Mr. Biz and I seemed to instantly have a good connection. He's sweet, mature, and pretty good at communication.
So back to red light, green light...
I don't know what it is with him, but I'm caught in this cycle of stop and go. Honestly, I'm not really sure if it's me or him who keeps instantly throwing on the emotional breaks. One minute I'm with him and I feel like things are going wonderfully. Whenever we see each other I'm in it... it's all green lights. Then all of a sudden, I come screeching to a stop. For no particular reason (or is there?), I'm distant, angry, hurt. Next thing you know, I'm full speed ahead again. Then slam - I'm stopped once more. I'm not sure what's bringing this on.
Am I just scared of getting attached to this guy? Am I taking out my issues from the abrupt stop with Jack Daniels on him?*** Or am I unconsciously picking up on something going on with him? Why is it that when it comes to him, I can't seem to find the yellow?
* I've tended to end things before they become full blown committed relationships
**I will get into the details of Jack Daniels in a future post but suffice it to say he's the first guy to break my heart in a LONG time.
***Forget a red light... think slamming head first into a brick wall.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Between The Lines
I'm usually pretty good at reading people. I generally know their intentions without them saying it, I can typically tell if they're being insincere or selfish right away, and I have a knack for reading someone's body language. I notice people...really notice them. It's part of my job actually, and it's why I'm good at poker (that and my willingness to endlessly flirt at poker table!). Yet for some reason with the past few guys in my life, I suck at it. Not just suck a little bit, I'm down right awful at it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. (Did I suddenly start responding to some new kind of pheromones that makes my brain go dead? And how did all these guys get the same ones? Ugh!) Whatever the case, I seem to be investing my time/heart in the wrong people - which I'm sure you'll hear about in other posts. I've always been able to somewhat keep my head in matters of the heart. It takes me a while to let people in (aka China would be in awe of my walls). So by the time a guy gets close, I've already learned his communication style, I know the twitch he does when he's holding something back, and that when he says "um" three times in a row with a two second pause between the 2nd and 3rd "um's" he's about to confess something I probably don't want to hear. Beyond this, I've never had a problem understanding guy-speak... until recently.
With the most recent guys (which include an old high school friend, a single father with no time, and a murse in med school, etc.), a guy says something and I apparently hear something completely different. Even with body language I couldn't be more off! In the past I could tell the difference between a we'll-be-a-couple-by-next-week touch and a I-just-want-to-bone-you brush against my leg from a million miles away. Now I seem to be misreading them on a daily basis. wtf? Have I somehow switched the kind of guys I date without knowing it? Did I end up in some alternate universe where guys who want to cuddle and tell you their feelings now = "let's be friends with beni's"? How is it that when I read between the lines now, one of us seems to be reading a children's fairytale and the other is reading Playboy?
I don't know what's wrong with me. (Did I suddenly start responding to some new kind of pheromones that makes my brain go dead? And how did all these guys get the same ones? Ugh!) Whatever the case, I seem to be investing my time/heart in the wrong people - which I'm sure you'll hear about in other posts. I've always been able to somewhat keep my head in matters of the heart. It takes me a while to let people in (aka China would be in awe of my walls). So by the time a guy gets close, I've already learned his communication style, I know the twitch he does when he's holding something back, and that when he says "um" three times in a row with a two second pause between the 2nd and 3rd "um's" he's about to confess something I probably don't want to hear. Beyond this, I've never had a problem understanding guy-speak... until recently.
With the most recent guys (which include an old high school friend, a single father with no time, and a murse in med school, etc.), a guy says something and I apparently hear something completely different. Even with body language I couldn't be more off! In the past I could tell the difference between a we'll-be-a-couple-by-next-week touch and a I-just-want-to-bone-you brush against my leg from a million miles away. Now I seem to be misreading them on a daily basis. wtf? Have I somehow switched the kind of guys I date without knowing it? Did I end up in some alternate universe where guys who want to cuddle and tell you their feelings now = "let's be friends with beni's"? How is it that when I read between the lines now, one of us seems to be reading a children's fairytale and the other is reading Playboy?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Always in the Wrong Shoes...
Ever feel like you're wearing the wrong shoes? That's me...always. Well not always, always...but definitely lately (the last two years or so).
Through most of my life I felt like no matter if I was wearing hiking boots or 4-inch heels, I could walk a tight rope, hike a mountain, or bust out a cha-cha at a moment's notice. Things have generally come easily to me. While I definitely had my set of challenges to face, I've always rolled with the punches pretty well. I'm the girl who's always steady when everyone else around me is stumbling.
However, lately something's changed. Now when I'm strolling through life in adorable black peep-toe pumps, a minute later something happens and life's got me high-tailing it down the side of a highway hoping I don't eat it and get run over by that gargantuan SUV barreling down the road at 85mph. My feet are pounding, my heart is racing, and the whole time I'm thinking, "Why do I wish I was wearing ugly shoes?"
After years of being the girl who always been in control and always seems to have it together, I'm struggling with feeling like I'm the one in the wrong shoes. That I'm now the girl who's stumbling...who's falling. I don't know how to be this girl. Ironically, though, I think this stumbling might be a good thing for me.
And so begins my blog...
It's my attempt at exploring this new "me" (with your help!). So welcome to my journey. I'm ready to run, I'm willing to stumble, I've accepted that I'm going to fall along the way (maybe even in love?)...but come what may, I'm going do it my way.
Through most of my life I felt like no matter if I was wearing hiking boots or 4-inch heels, I could walk a tight rope, hike a mountain, or bust out a cha-cha at a moment's notice. Things have generally come easily to me. While I definitely had my set of challenges to face, I've always rolled with the punches pretty well. I'm the girl who's always steady when everyone else around me is stumbling.
However, lately something's changed. Now when I'm strolling through life in adorable black peep-toe pumps, a minute later something happens and life's got me high-tailing it down the side of a highway hoping I don't eat it and get run over by that gargantuan SUV barreling down the road at 85mph. My feet are pounding, my heart is racing, and the whole time I'm thinking, "Why do I wish I was wearing ugly shoes?"
After years of being the girl who always been in control and always seems to have it together, I'm struggling with feeling like I'm the one in the wrong shoes. That I'm now the girl who's stumbling...who's falling. I don't know how to be this girl. Ironically, though, I think this stumbling might be a good thing for me.
And so begins my blog...
It's my attempt at exploring this new "me" (with your help!). So welcome to my journey. I'm ready to run, I'm willing to stumble, I've accepted that I'm going to fall along the way (maybe even in love?)...but come what may, I'm going do it my way.
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