Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Can I Get Some YELLOW, Please?

I feel like lately my heart has been stuck in a game of red light, green light.

Proceed with caution - that's always been my mantra. In relationships, I've been the queen of moving slow. It's incredibly hard for me to let someone in and so I've pretty much always been the one to set the pace of a relationship. I guess you can say my love life traffic light was always stuck on yellow.

I'm quite confident that has hindered many of my relationships (or potential relationships)*. Over the past year and a half I've actively tried to stop this pattern. I realize that when it comes to love, sometimes you need to actually "Go". So I've been trying to just take things as they come and let the pace of them happen on it's own. I've been marginally successful.

About 4 months ago, I met a new guy - Mr. Biz. Unfortunately, he has had the challenge of having come into my life not long after I got really hurt by another guy who I'll call Jack Daniels.** Mr. Biz and I seemed to instantly have a good connection. He's sweet, mature, and pretty good at communication.

So back to red light, green light...

I don't know what it is with him, but I'm caught in this cycle of stop and go. Honestly, I'm not really sure if it's me or him who keeps instantly throwing on the emotional breaks. One minute I'm with him and I feel like things are going wonderfully. Whenever we see each other I'm in it... it's all green lights. Then all of a sudden, I come screeching to a stop. For no particular reason (or is there?), I'm distant, angry, hurt. Next thing you know, I'm full speed ahead again. Then slam - I'm stopped once more. I'm not sure what's bringing this on.

Am I just scared of getting attached to this guy? Am I taking out my issues from the abrupt stop with Jack Daniels on him?*** Or am I unconsciously picking up on something going on with him? Why is it that when it comes to him, I can't seem to find the yellow?

* I've tended to end things before they become full blown committed relationships
**I will get into the details of Jack Daniels in a future post but suffice it to say he's the first guy to break my heart in a LONG time.
***Forget a red light... think slamming head first into a brick wall.

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