I Fell...

Falling. It's what this blog is all about. Tripping, stumbling through life and love.  Well I fell for The Name...and then fell flat on my face. After the move things really began to unravel between me and The Name. I tried to fight, I tried to salvage it. I even put my own needs aside for awhile hoping I could show him that I was IN. But apparently, and for whatever reason, he was never in. Two months ago it was done. Today I saw this and it hit a nerve inside of me.   

I let my guard down with him. I'll readily admit, part of me wanted to fall - to go tumbling into his arms. And I have no doubts in my mind that he wanted me to fall too. In so many ways he did everything possible to sweep me off my feet...and so I fell...but he wasn't there to catch me. He wasn't there at all.

Conflicted

For the majority of my dating life, I've been the girl who has my guard up. I have trust issues and letting a guy into my heart is a very big deal to me. A few years ago I started to make a conscious effort to take some of my walls down. Jack Daniels was the first recipient of that, The Name has been the second.

I've been falling for The Name for awhile now. For the first time in my life I'm expressing my emotions honestly and openly. He's less of a communicator but when I'm with him i feel like he shows me. But the problem is, with his job and now the move, I don't see him very often. I feel lost because I'm not getting the chance to see how he feels. I keep throwing my emotions out there and while he definitely doesn't reject them, I feel like they just float in this abyss. I'm vulnerable with him and it's new and scary for me. And it's difficult that he does not reinforce security for me in the way I'm accustomed to. I love him. And at times i can see such potential for us. And yet I'm scared that us being apart isn't going to give me enough connection and reassurance. I'm scared to admit this, but I'm not sure if he wants what I want or can give me the emotional support I need.

I know he cares about me, but once again I'm scared that it's not enough. That I'm not enough. We need to talk. And I'm hopeful we can resolve this, but I'm also terrified. I need to be enough for him to fight for. I need to be worth him becoming vulnerable and going outside his comfort zone too. I need my feelings to matter to him enough that he wants to reassure me. Am I enough?

The Other Coast

The east coast...most likely, NYC. I never thought I'd say this, but that might be in my future.

I've never been to the east coast. It's been on my travel list for years. But I didn't expect to be thinking about it like this.

This afternoon I got a text from my boyfriend, The Name. Some very unexpected changes came up today at work. Changes that will likely throw his whole life upside down. Changes that might include having to relocate to the east coast. Neither of us know what it means yet. There's so many things that aren't certain - so many details we don't know. Is he moving? If so, where? and when? And what does that mean for us?

I can't even begin to think about it yet. He needs more info first to figure out his part and than we can figure out us. It's just so weird for me to wrap my mind around that there is an us that this effects.

The last time I wrote in this blog, we'd just broken up. It was awful and I was torn up for 2 months. Then he got some info that changed everything he had thought. And after a crazy chain of events*, we had to determine if we could put it behind us, if I could forgive him, if we could move on. We did. And since then we've been stronger than ever.

I'm falling.

And now a wrench just got thrown into our happy relationship that could land him on the other coast. Will he go? Will we try and make this long distance and fly coast to coast to make it work? Would I consider turning my life upside down too?

My mind is spinning and yet still at the same time. I know we can't make any decisions until we have more info.

And so we wait....

My first reaction was that my knees buckled at the thought of losing him. But since then the shock has worn off and I'm realizing that I don't think I'm going to lose him. He turned to me as soon as it happened because it effects us both. And I believe in my heart that we'll get through this...TOGETHER. And that makes me feel more safe and at ease than I've ever been.

*i'll write a post later

Falling...Face First.

For the past three months I've been dating an amazing guy, The Name. A guy who constantly took my breath away. Who planned fabulous dinners and paid attention to the things I like (hockey, eggs benedict, music). He was wonderful and I was falling. But the last few weeks that guy became distant, strange. He was traveling for work and overwhelmed. But somehow the way he treated me changed. He was no longer the guy who swept me up and made me feel amazing. Instead I was feeling scared, insecure, abandoned. But whenever I hit the point of being done, he'd be there again, reassuring me. Until Wednesday night....

He'd been out of town for work and had asked me if he could take me out on a date Wednesday night when he got back. Had said he'd felt bad for not giving me the time and attention I deserve. I was happy to see if we could get back on track. I had hope.

Then Wednesday night rolls around and he's gone. Nothing. No contact. No plans. No phone calls. No texts. I try and contact him and get nothing in return. I swing by his house to check on him. And as I'm sitting in front of his house I see his truck pulling up, slow, and then keep driving. He left. Left me sitting there alone. To be more honest, he ran away. And I'm not quite sure what he's running from. The last time I saw him we were chugging along making plans for trips, the last time I talked to him he was reassuring me we were fine. And then, he runs. And I fall flat on my face. 

About Time...

I haven't written in awhile... and interestingly enough, this is when I thought I'd be writing the most. I met someone. Someone who could very well end up being someone meaningful in my life. I hope! 

So here's the scoop: 

About 3 months ago I met a guy.... He seemed sweet and we had a lot in common, but I almost didn't go out with him because of his name. He has same name as a lot of guys who have played some interesting roles in my life. I swore I'd never again date a guy with this name... but then there he was. So for the purposes of this this blog, he will be The Name. :) 

Our first date was wonderful, low pressure but great connections. We talked, and talked, and talked some more. Second date was the same way. It just worked. And by the third date (and our first kiss) I was happy... genuinely happy. 

By my birthday he'd swept me off my feet. It was the first time in a long time where I felt completely awestruck by a guy. I felt pampered and cared for in a way I'd been missing. I'm beginning to get attached. I'm beginning to fall.

We've chugged along like that for awhile. But he travels a lot for work so it's made our relationship both fast and slow at the same time. I'm learning. I've been struggling with the time apart. After talking to friends and panicking inside a few times, I finally realized that once the trip gets to about the 8 day mark I start to feel like I'm in a long distance relationship again. I've had some really bad experiences with long distance (and swore I'd never do it again) so alarms start to go off inside. I get insecure, needy, scared, lonely, and all sorts of other emotions that just aren't pleasant. I'm trying to figure it all out. 

I really care about this guy and hope there's a potential future there. I can't even tell you the last time I felt so safe with someone. And yet I'm scared about this travel. I don't want it to end us because I think we're stronger than that. I think there is something real here. I just hope he feels the same. I think he does... but time will tell.

The Day It Ended

I no longer love him. In fact, I can tell you the exact moment when my heart let go...

It was Dec 9th and I was sitting in the audience of a concert... and it just clicked. For months I'd been trying to let go, to move on, to stop the aching that I felt every minute of every day. I'd begged. I'd cried. I'd pleaded. I'd prayed. In fact, that very day I'd done all 4. And then, there it was...release. The chains that had bound me for over three years no longer restrained me. I felt peace.

I've been afraid to write this post ever since. I feared that the moment I said it out loud (or typed it publicly) that something would happen and it'd all slip away -- I feared I'd fall back into the same trap I've been caught in so many times before. I'm no longer afraid. 

For a long time, I loved the way I felt when I was in love with him. I loved the possibilities he represented for me. I overlooked his flaws.

I can't say that I don't still hurt. I do. There are moments where I miss him or the idea of him (I'm not sure which). But despite that, I can confidently say that I'm no longer in love with him. He no longer has any rights to my heart. And that feels incredible.

Farewell 2010

It's been one hell of a roller coaster of a year. Some great memories and some awful situations. It's time to let go and start new. Goodbye...