Falling...Face First.

For the past three months I've been dating an amazing guy, The Name. A guy who constantly took my breath away. Who planned fabulous dinners and paid attention to the things I like (hockey, eggs benedict, music). He was wonderful and I was falling. But the last few weeks that guy became distant, strange. He was traveling for work and overwhelmed. But somehow the way he treated me changed. He was no longer the guy who swept me up and made me feel amazing. Instead I was feeling scared, insecure, abandoned. But whenever I hit the point of being done, he'd be there again, reassuring me. Until Wednesday night....

He'd been out of town for work and had asked me if he could take me out on a date Wednesday night when he got back. Had said he'd felt bad for not giving me the time and attention I deserve. I was happy to see if we could get back on track. I had hope.

Then Wednesday night rolls around and he's gone. Nothing. No contact. No plans. No phone calls. No texts. I try and contact him and get nothing in return. I swing by his house to check on him. And as I'm sitting in front of his house I see his truck pulling up, slow, and then keep driving. He left. Left me sitting there alone. To be more honest, he ran away. And I'm not quite sure what he's running from. The last time I saw him we were chugging along making plans for trips, the last time I talked to him he was reassuring me we were fine. And then, he runs. And I fall flat on my face. 

About Time...

I haven't written in awhile... and interestingly enough, this is when I thought I'd be writing the most. I met someone. Someone who could very well end up being someone meaningful in my life. I hope! 

So here's the scoop: 

About 3 months ago I met a guy.... He seemed sweet and we had a lot in common, but I almost didn't go out with him because of his name. He has same name as a lot of guys who have played some interesting roles in my life. I swore I'd never again date a guy with this name... but then there he was. So for the purposes of this this blog, he will be The Name. :) 

Our first date was wonderful, low pressure but great connections. We talked, and talked, and talked some more. Second date was the same way. It just worked. And by the third date (and our first kiss) I was happy... genuinely happy. 

By my birthday he'd swept me off my feet. It was the first time in a long time where I felt completely awestruck by a guy. I felt pampered and cared for in a way I'd been missing. I'm beginning to get attached. I'm beginning to fall.

We've chugged along like that for awhile. But he travels a lot for work so it's made our relationship both fast and slow at the same time. I'm learning. I've been struggling with the time apart. After talking to friends and panicking inside a few times, I finally realized that once the trip gets to about the 8 day mark I start to feel like I'm in a long distance relationship again. I've had some really bad experiences with long distance (and swore I'd never do it again) so alarms start to go off inside. I get insecure, needy, scared, lonely, and all sorts of other emotions that just aren't pleasant. I'm trying to figure it all out. 

I really care about this guy and hope there's a potential future there. I can't even tell you the last time I felt so safe with someone. And yet I'm scared about this travel. I don't want it to end us because I think we're stronger than that. I think there is something real here. I just hope he feels the same. I think he does... but time will tell.

The Day It Ended

I no longer love him. In fact, I can tell you the exact moment when my heart let go...

It was Dec 9th and I was sitting in the audience of a concert... and it just clicked. For months I'd been trying to let go, to move on, to stop the aching that I felt every minute of every day. I'd begged. I'd cried. I'd pleaded. I'd prayed. In fact, that very day I'd done all 4. And then, there it was...release. The chains that had bound me for over three years no longer restrained me. I felt peace.

I've been afraid to write this post ever since. I feared that the moment I said it out loud (or typed it publicly) that something would happen and it'd all slip away -- I feared I'd fall back into the same trap I've been caught in so many times before. I'm no longer afraid. 

For a long time, I loved the way I felt when I was in love with him. I loved the possibilities he represented for me. I overlooked his flaws.

I can't say that I don't still hurt. I do. There are moments where I miss him or the idea of him (I'm not sure which). But despite that, I can confidently say that I'm no longer in love with him. He no longer has any rights to my heart. And that feels incredible.