Who is TKG...

So now that I'm a few posts in, I guess I should tell you a little bit more about myself and where TKG came from. A year and a half ago, I was knee deep in round 1 of the Jack Daniels situation.* One day during that time, I couldn't think of anything to say on one of the social networking sites so I put up my status as "is THAT kinda girl". Of course, Jack Daniels, being both flirty & curious, asked me what kinda girl that meant I was.... I told him the whole point was that it was open-ended, open for interpretation**... I told him I could explain it with a million different answers*** and I tried. Here's a few things I came up with to tell him. Perhaps they'll also let you know who I am.

THAT kinda girl…

• I’m the kinda girl who doesn’t fall often, but when I fall, I fall hard…

• I’m the kinda girl who hangs out and watches sports with the guys…and actually know the rules and yells at the refs…

• But I’m also the kinda girl who owns over 25 purses, way too many shoes, and loves to go shopping…

• I’m the kinda girl who prefers relationships…but won’t be in one just to be in one or because I’m lonely…

• I’m the kinda girl who actually enjoys some of the domesticated “womanly” roles (cooking, taking care of the kids, etc.)…but who still considers herself a strong, self-sufficient woman…

• I’m the kinda girl you can take home to mom…. but who still LOVES to go wild behind closed doors…

• I’m the kinda girl who can get ready for a spontaneous weekend getaway in under 20 minutes…but who might take 2 hours to get ready if I’m going out for the night with my girlfriends…

• I’m the kinda girl who would rather live in a shack with the man I love than live in a mansion with one I “kinda love” or “could love someday”…

• I’m the kinda girl who doesn’t go to church often…but has absolutely no doubts on what my religious beliefs are…

• I’m the kinda girl who doesn’t get jealous if you look at another woman…because I know that if you want to leave me for her, you’re not the right one for me anyway…

• I’m the kinda girl who has run off to Canada on an hour's notice, danced on a bar at a lesbian club, and gotten out of at ticket for going 110 miles per hour because I talked to the cop for so long he forgot what he pulled me over for…

• I’m the kinda girl who loves having a career and could never live without one…but also hopes that I can take time off (well actually freelance from home) and be around my kids when they’re young…

• I’m the kinda girl who flirts all the time and LOVES sex…but has never cheated on anyone I’ve been with…

• I’m the kinda girl who generally prefers camping to a 5 star hotel (although I like being pampered sometimes…hee hee)…

• I’m the kinda girl who still believes a kiss means something…

…yup, I’m THAT kinda girl.

At the time, I was using the discussion as a way to open up to Jack Daniels -- to let him get to know the real me, quirks & all. For a girl who typically keeps her guard up, it was my way to try and be a bit more vulnerable and share myself. A year and a half later, all of the descriptions I shared with him still hold true. Almost everything I said then has been true for years and will probably always describe me. So when it came time to define myself in a blog, TKG (THAT Kinda Girl) just seemed to fit.

This blog is about looking deeper into each of the those aspects that make me, "me". It's these characteristics that have put me on the path that I'm stumbling down. It's also these characteristics that I want someone to love & accept about me. I want my future Mr. Right to not only put up with these aspects of who I am, but to be enamored by me because of them. Here's hoping...

*Refer to The Story of Jack Daniels
**I like making people think, wonder, and have to ask questions to find out more
***This list was the way I described myself to Jack Daniels. I could easily write 30 more of descriptions like these to illuminate other aspects of who I am. Over the course of this blog I may do sporadic "Who's TKG" posts that add to this list.

The One Where She's Emo

As much as I try and fight it at times...I'm a girl. I know this. Oh, and it sucks.

Of my girlfriends, I tend to be the least emotional. I'm usually emotionally compared to men (and have often been proud of that). I've just never been the girl who is in love one day and crushed the next. I'm the girl who looks at that girl like she's nuts. I don't understand people who are completely ruled by their emotions - who let them be the sole influence over their actions. I've always been baffled (and let's be honest - annoyed) by the "I'm mad at you so I'm going to kick & scream" or "I'm disappointed so I'm going to break out into tears and create a scene in this bar" people in this world. Seriously?!? Get a grip! While I definitely feel emotions, they are usually tempered by the fact that I'm more thought-driven than feeling-driven. Some people might even consider me under-emotional.... I'm not. Trust me.

What I've realized lately is that it has nothing to do with me not being emotional. I'm not very emotionally expressive.

I think in the past I've used my lack of emotional expression as a method of control. Even if I've had a hurricane of emotion going on inside of me, I've been able to let the mental side take the lead and hold the emotions at bay. I can keep a straight face and appear unaffected. For me, that's had power in it. Unconsciously, I have been unwilling to allow most people to see they've affected my emotions (& left me vulnerable, angry, hurt, etc.) because I've felt it gives them control. Instead, on more than one occasion I've left people at a complete loss for words when I've seemed unaffected in a situation that should be highly emotional.

I feel emotions. I feel them more than I'd like to admit. If I'm being honest (that's what this blog is for, right?) if I didn't make a conscious/thoughtful effort to control them, I might be that girl. The thing is, I believe you should balance thought (or logic) with emotion. But in the past I've erred on the side of thought. Shit…

So back to the start of this post - I'm a girl. Ugh, I'm a girl.

I have a lot of overly emotional female friends (and one overly emotional male friend). And while I love them, I often want to strangle them because they get so emotional over situations that [to me] don't warrant it. Yet somehow recently, they've rubbed off on me.

Once I started being open to relationships again, I've realized I'm feeling more chick-ish than I've ever been before. I'm emo & needy. I'm taking comments personally that I would have been unaffected by in the past. I can't sleep some nights because I'm either lost in my own emotions or wondering what someone else is feeling. It's unbearable and I hate it. While I've felt these emotions in the past, I've never allowed myself to give in to them - to experience them in all their depth. I've always let the mental part kick in and distance me from their power. Yet I've been trying to make a conscious effort to bring down my walls and be more open so I know being emotional is a step in that. While I'll never be the girl who's completely controlled by her emotions, I'm trying to feel them and express them authentically. I'll admit, it's foreign to me. I'm struggling with it constantly. I sometimes fuck up, and stumble like tonight.* But already I've seen it improving my relationships. And I know I'm also building stronger friendship because for once, I'm actually letting my girlfriends help guide me though the emotional battlefield instead of just helping them. It's tough...and I repeat. Ugh, it sucks being this girly.

*I expressed my unedited emotions (disappointment & sense of rejection) to Mr. Biz before thinking about the sitch...then realized after that I'd misinterpreted and overreacted. Joy!

Torn

I'm having trouble walking the line with Jack Daniels. I'm so torn. He says all the right things. He makes my heart leap. He does the little things. But he's still down there. And he's married. I'm trying to give him time to figure it out but every day that passes I get more scared and more attached. I have made it incredibly clear that I will not get involved with him while he's still married and that I don't want to be the reason he leaves anything. He needs to decide for himself if that marriage can work or not regardless of me. Nevertheless, I do feel I need to be honest with him regarding what I'm thinking and feeling. I would hate for a decisions on any of our futures to be made based on assumptions or misunderstandings. I think that's what's most fair for all of us. I respect marriage so much which is why I'm so torn. I don't know how to navigate this. I'm terrified of feeling all of this for him again. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I'm trying my best to stay as detached as possible until I see the actions.

One of my friends has been my savior in all of this. She's trying to help me keep my feet on the ground and navigate this impossible situation while keeping my integrity. It's so hard to try and figure out what's "right".

Confessions & Kryptonite

It's time for some confessions... I may have once again fallen prey to my kryptonite.

Confession #1
About 6 months ago I started talking to Jack Daniels again.
After months of trying to avoid him, we finally had an email exchange in which I said I wasn't ready to have him in my life again, but I'd be willing to try and see who the "real" him is. Part of me needed to see if I could ever understand his actions from before. He said he was willing to try and earn back my friendship and trust. We'd been friends since we were kids and had so many mutual friends in common. It would be impossible for us to not cross paths throughout our life. My friends all warned me against it, but I needed to see for myself. He backed up his words and his actions proved he was trying his best to help me understand and build back a foundation he'd shaken to the core. Over the next few months we had some deep talks about how we ended up where we did, about both of our perspectives in our relationship the year before. I asked him why he chose to marry his wife. The answer wasn't romantic, it was practical, but it was honest.

Confession #2
There's always been a chemistry between us that I can't deny.
For the first few months I remained very guarded in our conversations. I wasn't interested in going back to where we were before. I just needed to understand. But ever since we were kids, flirtation between us has always just come very naturally. It's unconscious. For the first few months I was so guarded I was consciously able to avoid it, but as we continued to talk, you could feel it below the surface.

Confession #3
We've had "the talk".
Last week Jack Daniels' flirtation started to seep out in our conversations and I called him on it. I told him he was blurring the line between friendship and that I couldn't go back to where we were. He was married and he'd made his choice. He confessed to me that he thought he'd made the wrong one. His feelings for me had never gone away. He'd married her because she was safe, he knew she'd never leave him unless he fucked up royally. She was a partner more than anything. But he was drawn to me in a way he couldn't explain and he was tired of fighting it. He wanted me to know everything so we could make some decisions. He told me he'd had feelings for me since high school. That those reignited for him at the reunion but he didn't act on them because of the distance. He regretted that. That when things started developing with us before he tried to convince himself she was the safer choice since he'd invested so much time in her. But after nearly a year of marriage he still had feelings for me and that he knew they wouldn't go away. He needed to know how I felt... I told him he'd crushed me because I had felt so much for him. That those feelings hadn't gone away but that I was scared. He needed to make a choice before we could be anything.

Confession #4
He's my kryptonite.
I know I shouldn't even consider him again. He hurt me more deeply than any man ever has. And yet if I'm being honest, I am considering it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm weak when it comes to him. I feel more than I can put into words. If I heard some other girl saying this I'd tell her to run as fast as she can in the other direction. I'd tell her that he doesn't deserve her. But I feel like there's always been something between us that feels destined to be something. I don't know what it is. I'm trying so hard to proceed with caution, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have hope that we could make this work. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm confused. Could he really be the one for me? Could we possibly make it through all these obstacles and bad decisions to find happiness together?

Gemini Musings and Such

I've been meaning to post recently, but haven't had a chance. There's much to catch up on.
I'll do a full update soon, but here's a mini one on today's topic - Mr. Biz (work-a-holic, single father raising a 14 year old).

• If you haven't read it yet, see previous post.
• Many talks involving how I need more effort/time from him.
• After 4 1/2 months of casually dating Mr. Biz, I stopped seeing him in late July because it was a bit too casual for me. He just didn't have enough time for me and I'm not willing to settle anymore. He's a great guy and I told him if something changes in the future and he is ready to pursue something more serious, I might give it a try but I can't keep doing this. Official red light.
• One week later, he calls/texts, misses me, wants to see me, etc. What's changed? Nothing. I don't see him.
• Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat, etc. Same thing for weeks. He says we want the same things but it's work keeping us apart. Swears he's trying to do things to get work under control and get things in a better place for us. I tell him we can talk but until changes are in place, I can't see him. WTF is the light doing?
• Thursday he calls me, we have a long talk. He says he needs balance in his life. He can't keep this work thing up, he needs time with those who are important to him. He realizes it. He's talked to his boss, he's doing everything in his power to change it. Hopefully he'll see the changes soon and can share them with me. I'm skeptical/hopeful/tired.

So for now I just wanted to leave you with my horoscope for today...

The mixed messages become even more complicated today as green lights are immediately followed by flashing red ones. You don't know which signal to believe as you decide whether to blast ahead with confidence or to retreat in fear. Ultimately, your best chance of success comes from moving ahead with caution.

That's literally it word-for-word. Ugh!

The Story of Jack Daniels

So I've been avoiding this post, but to understand me and my story, I'll have to introduce you to Jack Daniels.

In October 2008, Jack Daniels broke my heart. For years I'd kept my heart protected; locked behind barriers and walls. Finally, I'd started to let someone in...and he crushed me.

Jack Daniels was a high school friend - a guy I'd never dated, but had always wondered why I didn't. We were never super close back then, but were part of a larger friend group. And there had always been something... a connection unexplored. After high school we lost touch. It wasn't until our 10 year reunion that we once again became a part of each others' lives. I felt it all over again...something drawing me to him. But sadly, I didn't act upon it. Instead we started to slowly reconnect. We emailed regularly, hung out with friends when he was in town, and talked - just really talked. He wasn't living in the area so we'd mostly email. We'd both dated other people. Slowly it grew to be more regular, talking almost everyday. Something was happening between us. We both realized there was a connection we couldn't deny. At the time, I was single...he'd been dating a woman for about 2 years. He told me his relationship wasn't going well but he was seeing if there was anything to salvage it - he said he felt he needed to give it his best effort so he would know he tried everything before moving on. I respected that, told him I'd tread lightly, and asked him to just be honest with me through things. It all went wrong.

In the next few months he told me how much he thought about me, how he wanted to be with me, and I really believed that they were ending. He was exactly what I'd wanted - he was engaging in my life, helping me through the daily challenges, waking me up with messages of "I can't stop thinking of you, beautiful", and ending my day with "I hope you dream of the day we can fall asleep together every night". It felt so right. Growing up he had been one of the most honest, trustworthy people I'd known. No one had a bad word to say about him. So I trusted. I believed what I wanted to believe. I believed he was torn between going after what he wanted (me) and knowing that he'd hurt her. He'd always cared so much about protecting others from pain. I was wrong.

One morning last October, I woke up to find his engagement pictures plastered all over a social networking site. A site where we were "friends". I was crushed. I spent weeks crying. I'd believed in our future. I asked for an explanation. He swore that he was a coward and he didn't know how to tell me. He said he was torn because he truly cared about me but felt he had to do this. He tried to spin it to save himself - he knew he'd screwed up, been selfish, and hurt me. I didn't understand. I felt naive, confused, used & broken.

I walked away, erased him from my life, and tried to move on. But I was weakened by my encounter with him. I'd never felt so intensely for someone before - not even my ex-fiance. How could I feel so deeply for someone and be so wrong?

*There will be other back story posts on Jack Daniels because I'm sure other aspects will be relevant to my continued story.

Can I Get Some YELLOW, Please?

I feel like lately my heart has been stuck in a game of red light, green light.

Proceed with caution - that's always been my mantra. In relationships, I've been the queen of moving slow. It's incredibly hard for me to let someone in and so I've pretty much always been the one to set the pace of a relationship. I guess you can say my love life traffic light was always stuck on yellow.

I'm quite confident that has hindered many of my relationships (or potential relationships)*. Over the past year and a half I've actively tried to stop this pattern. I realize that when it comes to love, sometimes you need to actually "Go". So I've been trying to just take things as they come and let the pace of them happen on it's own. I've been marginally successful.

About 4 months ago, I met a new guy - Mr. Biz. Unfortunately, he has had the challenge of having come into my life not long after I got really hurt by another guy who I'll call Jack Daniels.** Mr. Biz and I seemed to instantly have a good connection. He's sweet, mature, and pretty good at communication.

So back to red light, green light...

I don't know what it is with him, but I'm caught in this cycle of stop and go. Honestly, I'm not really sure if it's me or him who keeps instantly throwing on the emotional breaks. One minute I'm with him and I feel like things are going wonderfully. Whenever we see each other I'm in it... it's all green lights. Then all of a sudden, I come screeching to a stop. For no particular reason (or is there?), I'm distant, angry, hurt. Next thing you know, I'm full speed ahead again. Then slam - I'm stopped once more. I'm not sure what's bringing this on.

Am I just scared of getting attached to this guy? Am I taking out my issues from the abrupt stop with Jack Daniels on him?*** Or am I unconsciously picking up on something going on with him? Why is it that when it comes to him, I can't seem to find the yellow?

* I've tended to end things before they become full blown committed relationships

**I will get into the details of Jack Daniels in a future post but suffice it to say he's the first guy to break my heart in a LONG time.

***Forget a red light... think slamming head first into a brick wall.