30 Days of Truth - Day 30

It's taken me way longer than 30 days, but I committed to this project and was hell-bent on seeing it through. Over the course of it, I've realized a lot about myself. Some of the prompts I found lack-luster. Others hit home. I'm ready to write my final day but I will carry aspects of "facing the truth" with me going forward...


Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself. 


I've had a rough day today. An emotionally "present" day is probably a bit more descriptive. But I guess it's the perfect opening for this topic. In one of my early posts on this blog I came to the realization that I'm not very emotionally expressive. It's very hard for me to be vulnerable and express the tornado of emotions that is almost always circling inside me. I'm not comfortable with it at all. And yet, I know I need to be more honest about my emotions. Today I love that I'm embracing that challenge. For better or for worse I'm telling people how I feel. I'm expressing my love, my pain, my longing, my insecurity, and my pride. I'm laying it all on the line and facing the repercussions head on.


While I still have so many areas in which I hope to grow, I do love myself. Here are a few of the reasons...


I love that I'm willing to be self-searching and face my flaws. I love that I can accept that I'm not even close to perfect, but still strive to improve. I love that I feel alive both when I'm happy and when I'm hurting. I love that even when I drifted from it, I never let go of my faith. And I love that no matter how much time has past or how many wrong decisions I have made, I am finally reconnecting with my spiritual beliefs. I love that regardless of growing up to soon, I'm a big kid at heart. I love my wit. I love that I care deeply about others. I love that I'm still a hopeful romantic. I love that I'm comfortable enough with myself to take risks that I wouldn't have taken 5 years ago. I love that I have surrounded myself with people I love & respect who love & respect me as well. I love my sense of adventure. I love my desperate need to learn. I love that I believe in 2nd chances... and that I'm working on learning where to draw the line when enough chances have been given. I love that I embrace my silliness. I love my creativity. I love that I am a strong, capable woman. I love that I define family not by blood, but by the commitments people make to each other and adhere to. I love the way I am (and the way I  treat someone) when I'm in love. I love the sound of my giggle when I'm truly happy and being myself without any inhibitions. I love my intelligence and my willingness to admit when I don't know something. I love my loyalty & dedication to those I care about. I love my spontaneity. I love that I am a writer. I love that I not only say "trials make you stronger and build character" but that I live it in my approach to life. I love my I truly value myself. I love that I really believe I am a good person at heart. I love my determination. I love my motherly tendencies. I love that I try my best to accept myself and others. I love my willingness to try to understand other perspectives. I love that even though I'm not 100% happy with my physical appearance, I still know that I'm sexy. I love that I'm outgoing and willing to get to know others. I love that I will seize opportunities and not let chances pass me by. I love that I'm generous. I love that I'm learning how to rely on others. I love that most of the time, I'm patient. I love that children will always be incredibly important to me. I love that I'm not ashamed of who I am, where I've come from, or what mistakes I've made.

I love that I love myself.

30 Days of Truth - Day 28 & 29

So I'm bound and determined to finish out #30DaysOfTruth.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

I've said it here repeatedly. I want to be a mother. Now granted, I'd prefer not to be a single mother (which is why I haven't had a child yet), but if I were to become pregnant for whatever reason, I would have the child. I know that at this point in my life I am equipped to raise a child. And thankfully, I know I have a wonderful assortment of family and friends that would be an amazing support group and "village" to help me raise my little one.

I know it would be scary and stressful. And tough. And exhausting. And overwhelming. And I also know it would be beautiful and amazing. And warm and loving. And utterly fulfilling. And the culmination of so many things for which my soul has been longing.

I hope that when I have a child it is the result of a loving relationship. I hope that the pregnancy (whether planned or not) is a blessing for all those involved. However, I am willing to accept that if that isn't the case, I will embrace the child and the pregnancy whole-heartedly myself because no matter the situation, a child would be a blessing for me.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.


I need to waiver less after making a decision. I don't necessarily need to be more decisive (while I can be very indecisive about inconsequential decisions, I am very good at making the crucial ones). My problem comes after the decision is made. I'm the type of person who can almost always see things from both sides. I'm also incredibly logical and yet still very much intuitively & emotionally-driven. And I absolutely hate being unjust. So even though I know I've made the right decision based on the facts so far, if there is even a hint that something might change in the future to effect the decision, I start to waffle and waiver.

Mostly, this becomes a problem in my decisions that involve people. I know that for the most part, people follow patterns. Their actions one time will generally be their actions the next. And logically and emotionally, I can make a decision based on that. However, once some time passes doubt starts to slip in for me. "Can't people change?" "What if I wasn't seeing the whole picture?" "Would I want someone to make a decision about me without gathering even more info than they already have (no matter how much that is)?" 

I need to trust myself more and remember I made the choices & decisions for a reason. I need to embrace my instincts. I need to have faith in the balance of logic & emotion that I used to derive at my conclusions. I need to stand by them. I need to not let self-doubt undermine me. I need to realize that it's okay to make a decision based on my experiences. I need to accept that the best decision for me might not always consider all of the "what if"s. I need to come to terms with the fact that even if someone changes or a circumstance changes, that does not negate or eradicate the foundations on which I made my decision originally.

30 Days of Truth - Day 27

I know I stalled out a bit on #30DaysOfTruth, but I am still committed to completing it. I originally planned to do it in 30 consecutive days, but also I've wanted to answer each question as authentically as possible. For me, it was impossible to do those simultaneously. Some of the questions I had to ponder on for awhile. Some, I just needed the extra time to emotionally prepare for. It's been more of a journey than I ever expected.


Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I'm not even sure exactly what this question means. The best thing going for me? ...
It's taken me days to think about this question and try and figure out a "true" answer. It really had no clue where to go with the answer.

Two days ago, while sitting on the beach with an almost-suitor*, I figured out my answer.

Hope. I have hope. I never realized exactly how important that was.

The past few months have been well a bit crazy. Financially things have been a roller coaster ride. Emotionally, one minute they've been a tornado leaving a path of destruction and the next they've been like basking in the summer sun. Sometimes I feel like I'm spinning in circles so fast and am so disoriented that I don't know which way is up anymore.

On Sunday, I was feeling pretty "off". I was lonely and emotionally a bit vulnerable. The weekend had opened up some old wounds and I felt them. After a few strange turns I ended up sitting on the beach with a guy I'll name Y.A.D. I was there to comfort him, to sit and talk, and just "be". And for both of us, heading in to somewhere in nature (the coast, the mountains, a forest) helps. So we sat with the breeze and the sun. I listened. And in hearing him talk I realized he was lost. He was so sad that he couldn't see beyond it. He didn't have hope anymore. And then it hit me...

There are a lot of things in my life that are far from what I want them to be. I want love. I want to start my own little nuclear family** I want stability. I want excitement. I want spirituality. I want growth. But regardless of feeling like some of these things aren't where I wish they were, I have hope that I'll get there. I have faith that it will happen for me. That's the best thing going for me in my life. There are times where I'm sad because I feel like I'm still waiting... But I'm confident that I'm on the right path. I'm not lost. I have hope. 

*He may or may not come up in future posts. I'm not sure yet how relevant to my life he's going to be.
**I'll still always hold on to my other nuclear family as well, but I do have the desire to start a family. 

30 Days of Truth - Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

She sat on the end of her bed staring at the dirty caramel colored carpet. Her deep brown hair hid her face as one tear at a time wound a unique path down her chubby cheek and then fell silently to the floor. She didn't sob violently; even at twelve years old her actions were always more subtle than that.

Despite her tears, her breathing was steady, though deeper than it should have been. Her thoughts bounced around like a ping pong ball.

What will they do when they find me? Will this be the motivation they need to finally escape this hell as well? Because if Mom & J follow me, no one can hurt us anymore. Are they really willing to die too? God, I hope they are. I know this will hurt them for a minute but they won't live without me...they couldn't... We've talked about it. I hope it doesn't hurt. Sleep. I'll just go to sleep and then... What if J can't do it? She's so little...

Her hands clenched around the tattered comforter and a few of the pills rolled away from the others. There was a mish-mash pile of anything she could find beside her - aspirin, cold medicine, some old prescriptions, pills she didn't know the names of, and even some vitamins. She'd remembered her mom telling a story about her brother eating a whole bottle of Flintstone vitamins when he was little and having to get his stomach pumped. He'd almost died but they found him in time. So she'd added them to the mix. Hopefully it would get the job done.

A few weeks before, they (her, Mom, & J) had talked. They'd decided. It was all too much. They wanted to die...together. They could leave it all behind - the divorce, the drugs, the abandonment, the memories of abuse, rape, & being trapped. It could all just end and be replaced by Heaven if the died, after all they were "saved". They'd called him* to say their goodbyes. Then they'd picked up breakfast at McD and settled in to eat before... But the cops had arrived. She & J had been taken to foster care. Mom was taken to jail and then the mental hospital. After two days they were all released and life had gone on...

But for her it didn't really go on. She'd finally discovered a way to end the pain. She'd never thought it was a possibility before that. She'd always been unwilling to abandon them. She'd been scared for the welfare of her little sister, J. And Mom... well Mom could barely function as it was. But then they'd made the pact not to live without each other... So really, she wasn't abandoning them, she was going to motivate them. She was willing to be the first if it meant ending the pain for all of them.

The tears had stopped falling awhile before as she reached down and scooped up a palm full of pills.

The door to her bedroom swung open. It was Little Miss S.

-----

I came very close to taking my life. I had convinced myself it was the only way to save the three of us. I didn't think my mom was strong enough anymore but I believed that if I took my life they would take theirs too. Neither one of them could live without me (just like I couldn't live without them). I really believed I'd found the answer.

Thankfully, my best friend was there. She talked to me, cried with me, pleaded with me.** She made me think about my 10 year old sister dying. She made me think about my mom & sister finding me dead. She made me realize the pain I would cause. She'd told me I was cheating God because he'd made us to do more and I was taking away that chance. She convinced me that I was strong enough to get through all the bad in my life. And that I was strong enough to make sure my mom & sister did too. She told me I'd never be alone.

She saved my life... and possibly the lives of my mom & sister. I'll always be grateful.

*My mom called my Dad and said we were killing ourselves. I guess it was her cry for help. I didn't know that then.
**I honestly don't remember all the details of that talk. It's cryptic in my memory. I think I was on emotional over-load. But these are the details I put together based on my memories & talks with her after.

30 Days of Truth - Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you're still alive today.

I'll be honest. I'm not really sure what to write. I know I'm here for a reason. I completely believe I have a purpose, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I don't think anyone knows what role they play in greater scheme of things. I think each of our lives have multiple impacts.

Some of the reasons I think I'm still alive...

- for my mom & my sister : I believe I am serving a purpose in both of their lives, just as I believe they are in mine.

- to be a mother : I feel like I am meant to be a mother.

- to share experiences with my friends/family : I think the experiences we share with those around us help each of us grow & learn. Everyday I feel enriched from those around me and I hope that I can give back to them as well.

- to be the best example I can of a loving, understanding, accepting Christian : I am not pushy about my religious beliefs at all. However, I am open to discussing them with anyone who wants to know more. I know I'm flawed. I'm so far from perfect it's crazy. But I try my best to live my life with integrity. I try to be accepting of others and non-judgmental. I know fail at times. But I hope that generally, I can be the type person who people can see tries to be her best.

- to keep learning : I think the more I learn, the more experiences I have, the more I grow... the more I can give. I think that I haven't fully reached my potential as far as the impact I can have. I believe there are still lessons I need to learn. I believe there are still trials I need to face.

- to love and be loved : I have love to share. With friends. With family. With mankind. With my future children. With my significant other. And I realize I need to be open to love as well. Love is such an important part of life and why we live. I think it's part of the reason we are all here.

I don't know if this answer was complete. But it's the the most honest I have at the moment. I'm uncertain of what God's reason is for me still being alive. All I can do is try my best to do do the things I feel like I'm here for, and maybe stumble upon whatever other purpose He has for me.

30 Days of Truth - Day 24

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

This playlist is dedicated to My Little Devil. The songs are filled with so many memories, emotions, and some questions that time will answer...

Red Light Special - TLC
I had to start with this song because it goes back to our beginning. While this was never just "our" song, it was the backdrop to a few of our first goofy moments together. Way back in the day we used to sit in a private chat room and listen to music (and "slow dance"). We snuck moments alone together that way. It still makes me laugh.

Pony - Genuwine

Another one of the songs we'd listen to with the crew back in the day. I can't hear this song and not think of My Little Devil & our old y-crew. It harkens back to the very start of our flirtation and never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Broken - Seether featuring Amy Lee

When this song first came out both of us were drawn to it. We both loved the vocals but there was something more. It captures how we feel about each other. We've always known that both of us are slightly broken. We are far from perfect. And yet our imperfections compliment each other. We are less broken together. It's not that we aren't whole or functional without each other, but we seem to help each other become stronger. "I don't feel right when you're gone away."

The Space Between - Dave Matthews Band

DMB is one of my favorite bands and you'll definitely see that in this playlist. Years ago we talked about how this song. We talked about "us" and the space between us both physically & metaphorically. I know that in all actuality there is no space between us. Because whatever space there is, we've filled with love. 

The Chair - George Strait

My Little Devil is a country boy at heart. I absolutely love this about him. His midwest values & charm stole my breath away early on. I wouldn't change it for the world. He's always sent me songs that spoke to "us" or that he thought I'd like. This was one of the first country songs we shared. I could picture us in a bar living out this song. He'd be shy but coy, I'd flirt. And somehow we'd find each other. "It reminds me of you and me, baby. Do you think there's a chance?"

Where Are You Going - Dave Matthews Band

Another DMB song he sent me and took my breath away. We've had some challenges in each of our lives, but we've always gone through them together. I know no matter how many miles are between us at any given point he's always with me. We've both considered relocating at different points. I know without a doubt that we will eventually end up in the same place. I'm not sure where that will be but it's so true... "Where you are is where I belong"

When She Loves You - Emerson Hart

When I love someone, I love them completely. I give all of my heart, all of my soul, all of my energy. I know that My Little Devil loves the same way when he really gives his heart. I truly believe that we have the potential to have the kind of love this song describes and I think he knows it.

Lips of an Angel - Hinder

There have been a few points over the years where both of us have dated other people, yet there's always been this connection between us that is deeper than just friends. There's always been the "But she/he is not you". This song reminds me of that connection. Every time we hear each other's voice I think it makes us both weak. 

I Miss You - Incubus

Every single time I talk to My Little Devil I tell him I miss him. Every time. I cannot have a conversation and not let him know how very much he is a part of my heart and how much I miss him in between. I could not live knowing that the last conversation we had didn't include it. I know he already knows it. I've been telling him constantly since I was 19. But this song says it so well. I am so grateful for him and knowing he feels the same is beyond incredible. I miss him every day regardless of how close or far we are from each other.

Knock Knock - Lenka

The very first time I heard this song, I knew it I had to send it to My Little Devil (and I did that same day). It's cute and silly, and soooooooo true. He is the thing I turn to always. He is my remedy. He's the one person I know will always make me feel okay. He'll always let in me when I knock. And it's absolutely amazing to have that. 

What Would Happen - Meredith Brooks

"What would happen if we kissed?" - That line sums it up. We've gone back and forth so many times about if we should cross the line and see what could be between us, but we both know there's no going back. There always been something so intense between us - at times even forbidden and yet undeniable. 

Saviour - Lights

This song is a recent addition to the songs that make me think of My Little Devil. He's always been the guy I turn to. I've never felt I needed a guy to "rescue" me because I believe I'm strong enough on my own, but if there were a man to save me, it would be My Little Devil. He's the one guy I feel safe relying on. I'm not afraid to be weak around him and that is an incredibly freeing feeling. 

Stolen Away on 55th & 3rd - Dave Matthews Band
I listened to this song on repeat the entire plane ride to Vegas. I went to there to spend the weekend with My Little Devil and his dad & brother. Originally it was going to be a guys poker trip, but then somehow I became a chance for us to spend time together. He even offered to drive from MO to CA to pick me up and then back to Vegas just so I wouldn't have to fly. He's amazing. This song reminds me of that...it reminds me of how even when there's time or space between us, he pulls me right back. Every time I see him, he takes me right back again...


Wonderwall - Oasis
I remember when this song came out. I felt like it was speaking to "us". So many of the lines just "fit", like we've always just "fit".
"I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now"

"There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how"

"Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me..."


Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson
I love this song. For me it completely captures the feeling of wanting to spend time with someone no matter what you're doing. It's the epitome of romance, friendship, love, comfort. All you want to do is be together. I can completely picture "pretending" with him. :)


The Story - Brandi Carlile
The most recent addition to "our songs". Just about a month ago he sent me a version of this song (sung by a guy). It's our story in so many ways. I know he was made for me. He is my best friend. He is the soul's twin. I know him. He knows me. He was made to be in my life. I can't imagine one day without him. And it means so much to me that he feels the same.  


The One - Limp Bizkit
This is "our song". Over 10 years ago we chose it. It speaks to "us" in so many ways. I think we both know that we could be so happy together. There's always been so much potential there. And yet we've always had that slight hesitation that is captured in this song. I know I've been tentative. But there's still certainty in it. I don't know how to describe it. He could definitely, without a doubt be "the one".

R & R

Sorry I know I've been M.I.A. for the past few days. I took an extended weekend getaway. Tomorrow it's back to our scheduled programming and back to #30DaysOfTruth.