Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The One Where She's Emo

As much as I try and fight it at times...I'm a girl. I know this. Oh, and it sucks.

Of my girlfriends, I tend to be the least emotional. I'm usually emotionally compared to men (and have often been proud of that). I've just never been the girl who is in love one day and crushed the next. I'm the girl who looks at that girl like she's nuts. I don't understand people who are completely ruled by their emotions - who let them be the sole influence over their actions. I've always been baffled (and let's be honest - annoyed) by the "I'm mad at you so I'm going to kick & scream" or "I'm disappointed so I'm going to break out into tears and create a scene in this bar" people in this world. Seriously?!? Get a grip! While I definitely feel emotions, they are usually tempered by the fact that I'm more thought-driven than feeling-driven. Some people might even consider me under-emotional.... I'm not. Trust me.

What I've realized lately is that it has nothing to do with me not being emotional. I'm not very emotionally expressive.

I think in the past I've used my lack of emotional expression as a method of control. Even if I've had a hurricane of emotion going on inside of me, I've been able to let the mental side take the lead and hold the emotions at bay. I can keep a straight face and appear unaffected. For me, that's had power in it. Unconsciously, I have been unwilling to allow most people to see they've affected my emotions (& left me vulnerable, angry, hurt, etc.) because I've felt it gives them control. Instead, on more than one occasion I've left people at a complete loss for words when I've seemed unaffected in a situation that should be highly emotional.

I feel emotions. I feel them more than I'd like to admit. If I'm being honest (that's what this blog is for, right?) if I didn't make a conscious/thoughtful effort to control them, I might be that girl. The thing is, I believe you should balance thought (or logic) with emotion. But in the past I've erred on the side of thought. Shit…

So back to the start of this post - I'm a girl. Ugh, I'm a girl.

I have a lot of overly emotional female friends (and one overly emotional male friend). And while I love them, I often want to strangle them because they get so emotional over situations that [to me] don't warrant it. Yet somehow recently, they've rubbed off on me.

Once I started being open to relationships again, I've realized I'm feeling more chick-ish than I've ever been before. I'm emo & needy. I'm taking comments personally that I would have been unaffected by in the past. I can't sleep some nights because I'm either lost in my own emotions or wondering what someone else is feeling. It's unbearable and I hate it. While I've felt these emotions in the past, I've never allowed myself to give in to them - to experience them in all their depth. I've always let the mental part kick in and distance me from their power. Yet I've been trying to make a conscious effort to bring down my walls and be more open so I know being emotional is a step in that. While I'll never be the girl who's completely controlled by her emotions, I'm trying to feel them and express them authentically. I'll admit, it's foreign to me. I'm struggling with it constantly. I sometimes fuck up, and stumble like tonight.* But already I've seen it improving my relationships. And I know I'm also building stronger friendship because for once, I'm actually letting my girlfriends help guide me though the emotional battlefield instead of just helping them. It's tough...and I repeat. Ugh, it sucks being this girly.

*I expressed my unedited emotions (disappointment & sense of rejection) to Mr. Biz before thinking about the sitch...then realized after that I'd misinterpreted and overreacted. Joy!

1 comment:

  1. You know what? My friends used to say I was emo even though I never once dressed like an emo girl. Omg yes, I had those cute flats, and i wore my hair a certain way but I was definitely not emo in that sense. I do admit though, that sometimes I'm overly emotional and while I sometimes blame my 'sign' I know that its just ME. As a person. When I became a mom, I was waaay emotional. I've brought it down a few notches but I cant lie to myself. I cry when someone tells me they ran over a pigeon.

    What I'm trying to say here... is that if you feel emotional.. then let it out.. on your blog.. or a stranger.. I dont recommend the latter because well I've done that and the person looked like they wanted to have me committed...

    Sorry I typed a lot LOL