Falling...Face First.

For the past three months I've been dating an amazing guy, The Name. A guy who constantly took my breath away. Who planned fabulous dinners and paid attention to the things I like (hockey, eggs benedict, music). He was wonderful and I was falling. But the last few weeks that guy became distant, strange. He was traveling for work and overwhelmed. But somehow the way he treated me changed. He was no longer the guy who swept me up and made me feel amazing. Instead I was feeling scared, insecure, abandoned. But whenever I hit the point of being done, he'd be there again, reassuring me. Until Wednesday night....

He'd been out of town for work and had asked me if he could take me out on a date Wednesday night when he got back. Had said he'd felt bad for not giving me the time and attention I deserve. I was happy to see if we could get back on track. I had hope.

Then Wednesday night rolls around and he's gone. Nothing. No contact. No plans. No phone calls. No texts. I try and contact him and get nothing in return. I swing by his house to check on him. And as I'm sitting in front of his house I see his truck pulling up, slow, and then keep driving. He left. Left me sitting there alone. To be more honest, he ran away. And I'm not quite sure what he's running from. The last time I saw him we were chugging along making plans for trips, the last time I talked to him he was reassuring me we were fine. And then, he runs. And I fall flat on my face. 

About Time...

I haven't written in awhile... and interestingly enough, this is when I thought I'd be writing the most. I met someone. Someone who could very well end up being someone meaningful in my life. I hope! 

So here's the scoop: 

About 3 months ago I met a guy.... He seemed sweet and we had a lot in common, but I almost didn't go out with him because of his name. He has same name as a lot of guys who have played some interesting roles in my life. I swore I'd never again date a guy with this name... but then there he was. So for the purposes of this this blog, he will be The Name. :) 

Our first date was wonderful, low pressure but great connections. We talked, and talked, and talked some more. Second date was the same way. It just worked. And by the third date (and our first kiss) I was happy... genuinely happy. 

By my birthday he'd swept me off my feet. It was the first time in a long time where I felt completely awestruck by a guy. I felt pampered and cared for in a way I'd been missing. I'm beginning to get attached. I'm beginning to fall.

We've chugged along like that for awhile. But he travels a lot for work so it's made our relationship both fast and slow at the same time. I'm learning. I've been struggling with the time apart. After talking to friends and panicking inside a few times, I finally realized that once the trip gets to about the 8 day mark I start to feel like I'm in a long distance relationship again. I've had some really bad experiences with long distance (and swore I'd never do it again) so alarms start to go off inside. I get insecure, needy, scared, lonely, and all sorts of other emotions that just aren't pleasant. I'm trying to figure it all out. 

I really care about this guy and hope there's a potential future there. I can't even tell you the last time I felt so safe with someone. And yet I'm scared about this travel. I don't want it to end us because I think we're stronger than that. I think there is something real here. I just hope he feels the same. I think he does... but time will tell.

The Day It Ended

I no longer love him. In fact, I can tell you the exact moment when my heart let go...

It was Dec 9th and I was sitting in the audience of a concert... and it just clicked. For months I'd been trying to let go, to move on, to stop the aching that I felt every minute of every day. I'd begged. I'd cried. I'd pleaded. I'd prayed. In fact, that very day I'd done all 4. And then, there it was...release. The chains that had bound me for over three years no longer restrained me. I felt peace.

I've been afraid to write this post ever since. I feared that the moment I said it out loud (or typed it publicly) that something would happen and it'd all slip away -- I feared I'd fall back into the same trap I've been caught in so many times before. I'm no longer afraid. 

For a long time, I loved the way I felt when I was in love with him. I loved the possibilities he represented for me. I overlooked his flaws.

I can't say that I don't still hurt. I do. There are moments where I miss him or the idea of him (I'm not sure which). But despite that, I can confidently say that I'm no longer in love with him. He no longer has any rights to my heart. And that feels incredible.

Farewell 2010

It's been one hell of a roller coaster of a year. Some great memories and some awful situations. It's time to let go and start new. Goodbye...

30 Days of Truth - Day 30

It's taken me way longer than 30 days, but I committed to this project and was hell-bent on seeing it through. Over the course of it, I've realized a lot about myself. Some of the prompts I found lack-luster. Others hit home. I'm ready to write my final day but I will carry aspects of "facing the truth" with me going forward...


Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself. 


I've had a rough day today. An emotionally "present" day is probably a bit more descriptive. But I guess it's the perfect opening for this topic. In one of my early posts on this blog I came to the realization that I'm not very emotionally expressive. It's very hard for me to be vulnerable and express the tornado of emotions that is almost always circling inside me. I'm not comfortable with it at all. And yet, I know I need to be more honest about my emotions. Today I love that I'm embracing that challenge. For better or for worse I'm telling people how I feel. I'm expressing my love, my pain, my longing, my insecurity, and my pride. I'm laying it all on the line and facing the repercussions head on.


While I still have so many areas in which I hope to grow, I do love myself. Here are a few of the reasons...


I love that I'm willing to be self-searching and face my flaws. I love that I can accept that I'm not even close to perfect, but still strive to improve. I love that I feel alive both when I'm happy and when I'm hurting. I love that even when I drifted from it, I never let go of my faith. And I love that no matter how much time has past or how many wrong decisions I have made, I am finally reconnecting with my spiritual beliefs. I love that regardless of growing up to soon, I'm a big kid at heart. I love my wit. I love that I care deeply about others. I love that I'm still a hopeful romantic. I love that I'm comfortable enough with myself to take risks that I wouldn't have taken 5 years ago. I love that I have surrounded myself with people I love & respect who love & respect me as well. I love my sense of adventure. I love my desperate need to learn. I love that I believe in 2nd chances... and that I'm working on learning where to draw the line when enough chances have been given. I love that I embrace my silliness. I love my creativity. I love that I am a strong, capable woman. I love that I define family not by blood, but by the commitments people make to each other and adhere to. I love the way I am (and the way I  treat someone) when I'm in love. I love the sound of my giggle when I'm truly happy and being myself without any inhibitions. I love my intelligence and my willingness to admit when I don't know something. I love my loyalty & dedication to those I care about. I love my spontaneity. I love that I am a writer. I love that I not only say "trials make you stronger and build character" but that I live it in my approach to life. I love my I truly value myself. I love that I really believe I am a good person at heart. I love my determination. I love my motherly tendencies. I love that I try my best to accept myself and others. I love my willingness to try to understand other perspectives. I love that even though I'm not 100% happy with my physical appearance, I still know that I'm sexy. I love that I'm outgoing and willing to get to know others. I love that I will seize opportunities and not let chances pass me by. I love that I'm generous. I love that I'm learning how to rely on others. I love that most of the time, I'm patient. I love that children will always be incredibly important to me. I love that I'm not ashamed of who I am, where I've come from, or what mistakes I've made.

I love that I love myself.

30 Days of Truth - Day 28 & 29

So I'm bound and determined to finish out #30DaysOfTruth.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

I've said it here repeatedly. I want to be a mother. Now granted, I'd prefer not to be a single mother (which is why I haven't had a child yet), but if I were to become pregnant for whatever reason, I would have the child. I know that at this point in my life I am equipped to raise a child. And thankfully, I know I have a wonderful assortment of family and friends that would be an amazing support group and "village" to help me raise my little one.

I know it would be scary and stressful. And tough. And exhausting. And overwhelming. And I also know it would be beautiful and amazing. And warm and loving. And utterly fulfilling. And the culmination of so many things for which my soul has been longing.

I hope that when I have a child it is the result of a loving relationship. I hope that the pregnancy (whether planned or not) is a blessing for all those involved. However, I am willing to accept that if that isn't the case, I will embrace the child and the pregnancy whole-heartedly myself because no matter the situation, a child would be a blessing for me.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.


I need to waiver less after making a decision. I don't necessarily need to be more decisive (while I can be very indecisive about inconsequential decisions, I am very good at making the crucial ones). My problem comes after the decision is made. I'm the type of person who can almost always see things from both sides. I'm also incredibly logical and yet still very much intuitively & emotionally-driven. And I absolutely hate being unjust. So even though I know I've made the right decision based on the facts so far, if there is even a hint that something might change in the future to effect the decision, I start to waffle and waiver.

Mostly, this becomes a problem in my decisions that involve people. I know that for the most part, people follow patterns. Their actions one time will generally be their actions the next. And logically and emotionally, I can make a decision based on that. However, once some time passes doubt starts to slip in for me. "Can't people change?" "What if I wasn't seeing the whole picture?" "Would I want someone to make a decision about me without gathering even more info than they already have (no matter how much that is)?" 

I need to trust myself more and remember I made the choices & decisions for a reason. I need to embrace my instincts. I need to have faith in the balance of logic & emotion that I used to derive at my conclusions. I need to stand by them. I need to not let self-doubt undermine me. I need to realize that it's okay to make a decision based on my experiences. I need to accept that the best decision for me might not always consider all of the "what if"s. I need to come to terms with the fact that even if someone changes or a circumstance changes, that does not negate or eradicate the foundations on which I made my decision originally.

30 Days of Truth - Day 27

I know I stalled out a bit on #30DaysOfTruth, but I am still committed to completing it. I originally planned to do it in 30 consecutive days, but also I've wanted to answer each question as authentically as possible. For me, it was impossible to do those simultaneously. Some of the questions I had to ponder on for awhile. Some, I just needed the extra time to emotionally prepare for. It's been more of a journey than I ever expected.


Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I'm not even sure exactly what this question means. The best thing going for me? ...
It's taken me days to think about this question and try and figure out a "true" answer. It really had no clue where to go with the answer.

Two days ago, while sitting on the beach with an almost-suitor*, I figured out my answer.

Hope. I have hope. I never realized exactly how important that was.

The past few months have been well a bit crazy. Financially things have been a roller coaster ride. Emotionally, one minute they've been a tornado leaving a path of destruction and the next they've been like basking in the summer sun. Sometimes I feel like I'm spinning in circles so fast and am so disoriented that I don't know which way is up anymore.

On Sunday, I was feeling pretty "off". I was lonely and emotionally a bit vulnerable. The weekend had opened up some old wounds and I felt them. After a few strange turns I ended up sitting on the beach with a guy I'll name Y.A.D. I was there to comfort him, to sit and talk, and just "be". And for both of us, heading in to somewhere in nature (the coast, the mountains, a forest) helps. So we sat with the breeze and the sun. I listened. And in hearing him talk I realized he was lost. He was so sad that he couldn't see beyond it. He didn't have hope anymore. And then it hit me...

There are a lot of things in my life that are far from what I want them to be. I want love. I want to start my own little nuclear family** I want stability. I want excitement. I want spirituality. I want growth. But regardless of feeling like some of these things aren't where I wish they were, I have hope that I'll get there. I have faith that it will happen for me. That's the best thing going for me in my life. There are times where I'm sad because I feel like I'm still waiting... But I'm confident that I'm on the right path. I'm not lost. I have hope. 

*He may or may not come up in future posts. I'm not sure yet how relevant to my life he's going to be.
**I'll still always hold on to my other nuclear family as well, but I do have the desire to start a family.