Monday, October 4, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 28 & 29

So I'm bound and determined to finish out #30DaysOfTruth.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

I've said it here repeatedly. I want to be a mother. Now granted, I'd prefer not to be a single mother (which is why I haven't had a child yet), but if I were to become pregnant for whatever reason, I would have the child. I know that at this point in my life I am equipped to raise a child. And thankfully, I know I have a wonderful assortment of family and friends that would be an amazing support group and "village" to help me raise my little one.

I know it would be scary and stressful. And tough. And exhausting. And overwhelming. And I also know it would be beautiful and amazing. And warm and loving. And utterly fulfilling. And the culmination of so many things for which my soul has been longing.

I hope that when I have a child it is the result of a loving relationship. I hope that the pregnancy (whether planned or not) is a blessing for all those involved. However, I am willing to accept that if that isn't the case, I will embrace the child and the pregnancy whole-heartedly myself because no matter the situation, a child would be a blessing for me.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I need to waiver less after making a decision. I don't necessarily need to be more decisive (while I can be very indecisive about inconsequential decisions, I am very good at making the crucial ones). My problem comes after the decision is made. I'm the type of person who can almost always see things from both sides. I'm also incredibly logical and yet still very much intuitively & emotionally-driven. And I absolutely hate being unjust. So even though I know I've made the right decision based on the facts so far, if there is even a hint that something might change in the future to effect the decision, I start to waffle and waiver.

Mostly, this becomes a problem in my decisions that involve people. I know that for the most part, people follow patterns. Their actions one time will generally be their actions the next. And logically and emotionally, I can make a decision based on that. However, once some time passes doubt starts to slip in for me. "Can't people change?" "What if I wasn't seeing the whole picture?" "Would I want someone to make a decision about me without gathering even more info than they already have (no matter how much that is)?" 

I need to trust myself more and remember I made the choices & decisions for a reason. I need to embrace my instincts. I need to have faith in the balance of logic & emotion that I used to derive at my conclusions. I need to stand by them. I need to not let self-doubt undermine me. I need to realize that it's okay to make a decision based on my experiences. I need to accept that the best decision for me might not always consider all of the "what if"s. I need to come to terms with the fact that even if someone changes or a circumstance changes, that does not negate or eradicate the foundations on which I made my decision originally.

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