Friday, January 22, 2010

Confessions & Kryptonite

It's time for some confessions... I may have once again fallen prey to my kryptonite.

Confession #1
About 6 months ago I started talking to Jack Daniels again.
After months of trying to avoid him, we finally had an email exchange in which I said I wasn't ready to have him in my life again, but I'd be willing to try and see who the "real" him is. Part of me needed to see if I could ever understand his actions from before. He said he was willing to try and earn back my friendship and trust. We'd been friends since we were kids and had so many mutual friends in common. It would be impossible for us to not cross paths throughout our life. My friends all warned me against it, but I needed to see for myself. He backed up his words and his actions proved he was trying his best to help me understand and build back a foundation he'd shaken to the core. Over the next few months we had some deep talks about how we ended up where we did, about both of our perspectives in our relationship the year before. I asked him why he chose to marry his wife. The answer wasn't romantic, it was practical, but it was honest.

Confession #2
There's always been a chemistry between us that I can't deny.
For the first few months I remained very guarded in our conversations. I wasn't interested in going back to where we were before. I just needed to understand. But ever since we were kids, flirtation between us has always just come very naturally. It's unconscious. For the first few months I was so guarded I was consciously able to avoid it, but as we continued to talk, you could feel it below the surface.

Confession #3
We've had "the talk".
Last week Jack Daniels' flirtation started to seep out in our conversations and I called him on it. I told him he was blurring the line between friendship and that I couldn't go back to where we were. He was married and he'd made his choice. He confessed to me that he thought he'd made the wrong one. His feelings for me had never gone away. He'd married her because she was safe, he knew she'd never leave him unless he fucked up royally. She was a partner more than anything. But he was drawn to me in a way he couldn't explain and he was tired of fighting it. He wanted me to know everything so we could make some decisions. He told me he'd had feelings for me since high school. That those reignited for him at the reunion but he didn't act on them because of the distance. He regretted that. That when things started developing with us before he tried to convince himself she was the safer choice since he'd invested so much time in her. But after nearly a year of marriage he still had feelings for me and that he knew they wouldn't go away. He needed to know how I felt... I told him he'd crushed me because I had felt so much for him. That those feelings hadn't gone away but that I was scared. He needed to make a choice before we could be anything.

Confession #4
He's my kryptonite.
I know I shouldn't even consider him again. He hurt me more deeply than any man ever has. And yet if I'm being honest, I am considering it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm weak when it comes to him. I feel more than I can put into words. If I heard some other girl saying this I'd tell her to run as fast as she can in the other direction. I'd tell her that he doesn't deserve her. But I feel like there's always been something between us that feels destined to be something. I don't know what it is. I'm trying so hard to proceed with caution, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have hope that we could make this work. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm confused. Could he really be the one for me? Could we possibly make it through all these obstacles and bad decisions to find happiness together?

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