Friday, September 3, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 13*

So I didn't get to post yesterday but I'm going to do two today to catch back up. As I said before, when a prompt doesn't really apply to me, I'm going to change it up so that this 30 days challenge actually forces me to push through some issues. Today's prompt is supposed to be: "A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)" I love music. It's a part of my every day life (and well, even a part of my job). I frequently see bands live and have easily been to over a 100 concerts. So many musicians have impacted my life. Yet I don't turn to one band in particular to get me though. I don't feel that writing to one will reveal truth or push me to discover more about myself. So I'm going to substitute and write about something else. 

Day 13 → Something you are insecure about.

A few days ago I had a conversation with one of my best friends (and another member of my team of therapists) regarding this challenge. I knew this was a topic I needed to discuss, because it is one of the recurring issues in my life and my relationships.

One of my biggest fears and insecurities is not being "enough".

I'm definitely not a pushy girl. In friendships, in relationships, and even in my job, I want someone to choose me because they see the value in me. I need them to want me and be willing to go out of their way to have me in their lives/company, just like I would for them. I give my all to those in my life and I expect the same in return.Yet I won't ask for it (and I sure as hell won't demand it). I'm really not good at giving ultimatums. I don't want a person to treat me a certain way because I asked them too, I want (no, I need) it to be genuine.
So now here's the insecurity. I'm scared of not being "enough" to justify those actions. I'm afraid that I won't be "enough" for someone to be willing to make changes in their life to be with me. I'm scared that I'm not "enough" reason to compromise or sacrifice. I'm terrified that they won't love me "enough" to choose me. I know I'm not good at being vulnerable. It's sometimes hard for me to show my emotions because I'm so used to handling things myself and not leaning on someone else. I get so scared that the guy I should be with will misread this and think I don't need them "enough" or that I don't express "enough" or that somehow I don't love them "enough". For so long I've been a strong, independent woman by necessity. I haven't been able to trust or rely on someone else so I know I have defenses up. I know I can need and love and be open, but it takes me time (a lot of time). My biggest insecurity is that this someone won't see past that and realize that I'm so much more than "enough" if you give me the time to show you. I know I'm worth it... but will he?  

*This post has been sitting in my drafts for days because I haven't been ready to post it. It's dated it to when it was written.

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