Wednesday, September 22, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

She sat on the end of her bed staring at the dirty caramel colored carpet. Her deep brown hair hid her face as one tear at a time wound a unique path down her chubby cheek and then fell silently to the floor. She didn't sob violently; even at twelve years old her actions were always more subtle than that.

Despite her tears, her breathing was steady, though deeper than it should have been. Her thoughts bounced around like a ping pong ball.

What will they do when they find me? Will this be the motivation they need to finally escape this hell as well? Because if Mom & J follow me, no one can hurt us anymore. Are they really willing to die too? God, I hope they are. I know this will hurt them for a minute but they won't live without me...they couldn't... We've talked about it. I hope it doesn't hurt. Sleep. I'll just go to sleep and then... What if J can't do it? She's so little...

Her hands clenched around the tattered comforter and a few of the pills rolled away from the others. There was a mish-mash pile of anything she could find beside her - aspirin, cold medicine, some old prescriptions, pills she didn't know the names of, and even some vitamins. She'd remembered her mom telling a story about her brother eating a whole bottle of Flintstone vitamins when he was little and having to get his stomach pumped. He'd almost died but they found him in time. So she'd added them to the mix. Hopefully it would get the job done.

A few weeks before, they (her, Mom, & J) had talked. They'd decided. It was all too much. They wanted to die...together. They could leave it all behind - the divorce, the drugs, the abandonment, the memories of abuse, rape, & being trapped. It could all just end and be replaced by Heaven if the died, after all they were "saved". They'd called him* to say their goodbyes. Then they'd picked up breakfast at McD and settled in to eat before... But the cops had arrived. She & J had been taken to foster care. Mom was taken to jail and then the mental hospital. After two days they were all released and life had gone on...

But for her it didn't really go on. She'd finally discovered a way to end the pain. She'd never thought it was a possibility before that. She'd always been unwilling to abandon them. She'd been scared for the welfare of her little sister, J. And Mom... well Mom could barely function as it was. But then they'd made the pact not to live without each other... So really, she wasn't abandoning them, she was going to motivate them. She was willing to be the first if it meant ending the pain for all of them.

The tears had stopped falling awhile before as she reached down and scooped up a palm full of pills.

The door to her bedroom swung open. It was Little Miss S.


I came very close to taking my life. I had convinced myself it was the only way to save the three of us. I didn't think my mom was strong enough anymore but I believed that if I took my life they would take theirs too. Neither one of them could live without me (just like I couldn't live without them). I really believed I'd found the answer.

Thankfully, my best friend was there. She talked to me, cried with me, pleaded with me.** She made me think about my 10 year old sister dying. She made me think about my mom & sister finding me dead. She made me realize the pain I would cause. She'd told me I was cheating God because he'd made us to do more and I was taking away that chance. She convinced me that I was strong enough to get through all the bad in my life. And that I was strong enough to make sure my mom & sister did too. She told me I'd never be alone.

She saved my life... and possibly the lives of my mom & sister. I'll always be grateful.

*My mom called my Dad and said we were killing ourselves. I guess it was her cry for help. I didn't know that then.
**I honestly don't remember all the details of that talk. It's cryptic in my memory. I think I was on emotional over-load. But these are the details I put together based on my memories & talks with her after.

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